I don't mean just in the general sense, I mean in every sense. We all know to keep a car key between our first and second finger when we walk through a dark parking lot alone. We know that someone who is aggressive on a first date should not get a second. We know not to give money to someone who claims to have a bridge to sell us. We do not know, however, how to say no to someone we love. We are generous to a fault most of the time, putting our assets and resources at their fingertips because we believe we are making a family.
My friend Anne spent $65,000 in less than 6 months and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Because she voluntarily sold her house, voluntarily paid for things for the man she married, voluntarily paid the down payment for their house, voluntarily paid for their honeymoon and wedding, voluntarily paid off her husband's credit card, she has no legal recourse for repayment. Unless her husband, who she is now divorcing, feels like reimbursing her for what she and he spent, Anne will spend the better part of her 40s working two jobs and trying to save as much as she can before her daughter starts college in 2012. Her attorney, a shark who has the reputation for making other attorneys cry and settle, told her that it is throwing good money after bad to even try. Anne has voluntarily-ed herself into near bankruptcy, and is left with a mortgage she cannot afford and a lot of debt she will struggle to pay, while her husband can walk away with his life intact and exactly the same. He doesn't have to reimburse her for anything, not even the credit card debt Anne paid off, because there was no agreement that he would ever repay her.
Common sense would tell us that when we go into business with someone else, we make sure that our assets are protected and our best interests guarded from the start. A second marriage is no different. Our men have prior financial obligations to ex-wives and children from their first marriages. Many are carrying marital debt from a marriage that ended before the last presidential administration. We wouldn't invest in a company that had a history of being irresponsible, why should we invest in a man who is irresponsible? Child support is a moral obligation, of course, but a man who puts himself 8K in debt for GI Joe dolls and Subway sandwiches should be avoided like the plague. Or like COBRA.
There are many ways to make a new family out of 2. Some couples combine money from the start and don't mind that one person contributes more. Some couples keep separate accounts their entire marriage. True story, one of my friends from high school has been married for 15 years to the same man. She and her husband keep their finances separate and always have. He has no ex-wives, no children other than the children Renee gave birth to and they still keep their money separate because, in Renee's words, "It is one less thing for us to fight about." That wisdom has stuck with me through my first and second marriages and it has been the best advice I ever have had about finance.
With more and more marriages being second marriages, we have to be smarter about our money. Here are some tips for protecting YOUR assets.
* A smart woman will not acquiesce to unreasonable requests from their partner. If you have to move 30 minutes further from work, sell your home and live in their home for no reason other than they don't want to move, even to a new home, chances are it is a red flag for the relationship. In marriage, most things are up for discussion and compromise. If he will not compromise before marriage, chances are he will also not compromise after.
* Agree on a budget before you even move in. Don't promise to pay half when you don't even know what half means. Spell it out clearly. You will pay half utilities and mortgage, but his 4 wheeler payment is not in the deal. You will pay your own car payment and he will pay his. His generosity to his children will come from his savings and not household funds. Or maybe you don't really care. Either way, know what you are getting into before you get into it.
* Women sometimes make less money than men on the surface. However, when you deduct child support, alimony and mandatory life insurance payments, the second wife may find that she is kicking in more than her partner. Make a budget with all deductions (child support, past marriage debts, etc) so you BOTH know how much you have to work with. Know exactly what his obligations are before you marry him so you will know what you can live with.
* Child support that you receive for your child is just that... For your child. Do not use it to finance a home. It isn't household income beyond your ex-husband's portion of what it costs to raise the child you share. It isn't to pay your husband's child support or to pay for a boat he has to have. It is for YOUR child, not his. Resist the urge to pay his support for him or give more to your stepchildren to try to level the playing field based on an increase you get for your children. They have two parents, too. If you don't "need" the money for your children, put it in the bank for their college education. That will come sooner than you might think.
* Do not empty YOUR child's college fund to pay for anything short of a major medical emergency. If your partner promises to help the child with school if you just let him use the money you have saved for college to buy a truck for him or foot the bill for his older child's college education, tell them they can help most by honoring your request that the money not be spent at all. It isn't your partner's money, it isn't your money. It is your child's money and should be protected. If you feel you cannot say no to your partner, put the money into a certificate of deposit or into a trust for your child that prohibits withdrawal for any reason but college expenses. If you cannot say no to your partner, he is probably also the wrong man for you.
* Look before you leap when it comes to having more children. If your dream is to be a SAHM to your children, be aware that your husband's financial obligation to his first family may very well mean that your 8 week old infant is in daycare because you have to work full time, while your husband's ex-wife is sitting at home when her kids are in school. Oh, and YOU have to pay all the costs for your child, because your husband doesn't make enough to pay his part of household bills and child support/alimony. If your husband is overpaying child support because he agreed that he wanted his kids's mother to be able to stay home with them, you will pay for that choice. And so will your child. In many states, having another child doesn't affect an existing child support order.
* When you combine assets, you give your husband's ex-wife access to your financial information. You may black your name off the tax return that she requests at a child support review, but if she knows that your husband made 50K last year and your tax return is for a total amount of 150K, she will know that you are earning a 6 figure income. If that is not acceptable to you, make sure money never combines until the day child support ends. A clear division of money has saved many men from an unfair child support increase.
* Do not buy a home with someone to whom you are not married, particularly if they are still married to their first wife. His wife, though she has contributed NOTHING to your home, can be granted a portion of the equity in your home because it becomes a marital asset in her marriage to your SO. Many women have found themselves in the not-so-unique position of a nasty breakup with a SO and found that the only right they have is as a co-owner of the property, not as a partner, even if they have lived with their partner for a decade. Many women have also found that they must take a HELOC or refinance a property to pay off the first wife. Don't put yourself in that position.
* If you pay off his debts, get a signed contract stating that he will repay you, that he acknowledges it was a loan and has a stated schedule for repayment. If he will not sign, do not give him the money. Do not fall for tears, manipulation or threats that he will break up with you because "you don't trust him." Nor should you. Someone who has no intention of repaying you, very often will resort to manipulation. And we women fall for it. We don't think like loan sharks and sometimes, sadly, we need to.
* If you have sold your home to invest in his or to buy a home together, make sure your investment is protected with an agreement that states in the event of a divorce, you get your initial down payment back, plus half the equity in the home. If you make improvements to his home, insist you be added to the deed. You do not need to refinance in many states to do this. Keep careful track of what you spend and make sure that YOUR name is on work orders and materials purchases. Pay for those improvements out of your account as well. If possible, make him sign a promissary note for each improvement so that it is acknowledged that YOU paid for it.
* When you are planning your retirement, make sure that your IRA and any investments prior to the marriage remain in your name only. Any inheritance from your family should remain in your name alone. And make sure you have a will that clearly and concisely states what you wish to be done not just with your grandmother's ruby ring, but with your assets. While you may be fine with everything going to your husband, trusting him to make sure that upon his death your children receive their share of your estate, his heirs may very well feel differently. And if you have no will, you have no say. There are options, such as leaving property to your partner and a life insurance policy equaling your share of the property to your children, but you must speak to an attorney in your state to know what your state will require. No will is a recipe for disaster.
* What you buy for your partner's children is a gift. You will not get it back, you may not even be thanked for it. Cashing out your retirement, mortgaging your home or selling a vacation property to pay for a stepchild's college education, first car or wedding is likely to not result in anything but you being less a cabin by the lake. If your partner throws a fit because you don't feel like refinancing the house to pay for his daughter's wedding, your partner is taking advantage of your love for him. Their desire to provide generously for their children is a good thing, but it should not come at the expense of your own future.
And for the love of G-d, ladies, remember that NO is not a dirty word. If you cannot afford it, you feel you are being taken advantage of, you see that your husband or boyfriend is spending you into oblivion... Speak up and say no. Don't wait, as my friend Anne did, until the day you notice that your child's college fund is drained and the money you got from the sale of your home is spent. While it is "only" money, it is only YOUR money.
Sunday 27 February 2011
Saturday 26 February 2011
Bonding Begins at Birth
Bonding Begins at Birth
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
Many parents mistakingly equate parenting with discipline. Effective parenting begins from day one in a baby's life by establishing bonding.
Congratulations!! You and your spouse have just given birth to a bouncy baby boy or girl. As you become acquainted with your little bundle you begin to ask yourself many questions: "How will I cope with this new responsibility?"; "Will I be able to raise my child as a fully functioning, psychologically healthy person?"; "Will I be capable of protecting my child from the evil in this society?"; "What do I need to do to build a strong Muslim character in my child?" Whether this is your first experience at parenthood or one in a line of blessings, the same questions surface each time a new being appears. In upcoming issues of this magazine we will try to provide some insights into methods that will lead to positive outcomes for the concerns that are often raised. One can use the analogy of building blocks, with the first blocks placed at the time of birth. Many people believe that the task of parenting does not begin until a child can walk and talk and get into mischief, requiring some form of discipline from the parent. The term parenting is often equated with discipline. This understanding is inaccurate, however, because effective parenting begins at birth with a phenomenon known as bonding or attachment.
What is bonding?
Bonding is the formation of enduring emotional ties between an infant and a special person in his/her world (usually the mother). It is a process that takes place over time involving an affectionate, reciprocal relationship between these two people. The interaction usually occurs in this manner:
the infant cries or expresses discomfort;
the caretaker responds in an attentive and loving way, fulfilling the needs of the infant;
the infant smiles and coos as a sign of contentment;
the caretaker is gratified to know that she/he can please the infant and produce such a response.
It is a beautiful, harmonious interplay that is a part of Allah's universal plan. It plants the seeds of the social and community ties that are so important in Islam.
Bonding is vitally important because it can affect the psychological and social development of a child. Scientific research has shown that children who were securely attached in infancy are more competent in certain social and cognitive skills: they are more curious, competent, cooperative, and self-directed than those who were insecurely attached. They are also more likely to be sought out as friends and chosen to be leaders. In school, they tend to interact with teachers in friendly and appropriate ways and are more likely to be independent, seeking help from teachers only when needed. Children who were insecurely attached tend to experience more difficulty in these areas and these effects may carry over into later years. Poor attachment has been found to be one factor in an equation that explains problems in adolescence such as juvenile delinquency, teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol use, and more.
Fostering a strong bond with your child
How does a parent build a strong bond with her/his child and foster secure attachment?
1. Stay home with the baby. This is the ideal situation (although not always possible) for both the mother and the child. Allah has assigned women the role of nurturer and caretaker and has created them with characteristics that fit this role. Since bonding develops through many interactions between parent and child it only makes sense that they be together for this to occur. It is a disturbing situation when a woman goes back to work 6 weeks after the baby is born leaving him/her in daycare for 10 hours a day. She then comes home too frazzled and exhausted to have any interactions with the baby much less quality time. If it is absolutely necessary for a woman to work it is important to find a competent, caring person to take care of the child, preferably a Muslim. It is possible for a child to bond with more than one person.
2. Breastfeed. Allah has provided humans with a natural technique for development of a bond through the prescription of breastfeeding: "The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years." [2:233]; "And the bearing of him and the weaning of him is thirty months." [46:15]. This is another example of Allah's infinite wisdom that has only recently been proven by scientific knowledge. There are numerous health benefits from breastfeeding as well as emotional and social effects that will last a lifetime.
3. Respond to the infant's needs as quickly as possible. A significant part of the bonding process involves trust. When the needs of the baby are fulfilled, he/she develops trust in the caretaker and in the world. Crying and fussiness are forms of communication that signal that something is not quite right, and it is the responsibility of the caretaker to determine what should be done. Experienced parents are able to distinguish various cries and their associated needs. It is also possible to sense the early signs of needs and take care of them before the infant becomes upset. Caretakers who do this well usually have babies who are very content, secure, and enjoyable.
4. Communicate with your infant. There are many ways to send messages of love and care to your infant. These include talking in a soft voice, "answering" sounds by cooing or imitating, singing, smiling, hugging, stroking, massaging, making eye contact and much more. Mothers and infants tend to develop their own special language that really is an expression of their love for each other. One of the most wonderful gifts from Allah is the beautiful, bright smile of an infant that says "I am loved and cared for and I am returning that love." What amazing synchrony!
Following this advice does not guarantee that your child will develop according to your wishes and it will not alleviate your concerns, but it is an initial building block that will provide a strong foundation upon which to build. It is important to remember throughout the whole building process that our children are only a test for us and that we must always rely on Allah.
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
Many parents mistakingly equate parenting with discipline. Effective parenting begins from day one in a baby's life by establishing bonding.
Congratulations!! You and your spouse have just given birth to a bouncy baby boy or girl. As you become acquainted with your little bundle you begin to ask yourself many questions: "How will I cope with this new responsibility?"; "Will I be able to raise my child as a fully functioning, psychologically healthy person?"; "Will I be capable of protecting my child from the evil in this society?"; "What do I need to do to build a strong Muslim character in my child?" Whether this is your first experience at parenthood or one in a line of blessings, the same questions surface each time a new being appears. In upcoming issues of this magazine we will try to provide some insights into methods that will lead to positive outcomes for the concerns that are often raised. One can use the analogy of building blocks, with the first blocks placed at the time of birth. Many people believe that the task of parenting does not begin until a child can walk and talk and get into mischief, requiring some form of discipline from the parent. The term parenting is often equated with discipline. This understanding is inaccurate, however, because effective parenting begins at birth with a phenomenon known as bonding or attachment.
What is bonding?
Bonding is the formation of enduring emotional ties between an infant and a special person in his/her world (usually the mother). It is a process that takes place over time involving an affectionate, reciprocal relationship between these two people. The interaction usually occurs in this manner:
the infant cries or expresses discomfort;
the caretaker responds in an attentive and loving way, fulfilling the needs of the infant;
the infant smiles and coos as a sign of contentment;
the caretaker is gratified to know that she/he can please the infant and produce such a response.
It is a beautiful, harmonious interplay that is a part of Allah's universal plan. It plants the seeds of the social and community ties that are so important in Islam.
Bonding is vitally important because it can affect the psychological and social development of a child. Scientific research has shown that children who were securely attached in infancy are more competent in certain social and cognitive skills: they are more curious, competent, cooperative, and self-directed than those who were insecurely attached. They are also more likely to be sought out as friends and chosen to be leaders. In school, they tend to interact with teachers in friendly and appropriate ways and are more likely to be independent, seeking help from teachers only when needed. Children who were insecurely attached tend to experience more difficulty in these areas and these effects may carry over into later years. Poor attachment has been found to be one factor in an equation that explains problems in adolescence such as juvenile delinquency, teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol use, and more.
Fostering a strong bond with your child
How does a parent build a strong bond with her/his child and foster secure attachment?
1. Stay home with the baby. This is the ideal situation (although not always possible) for both the mother and the child. Allah has assigned women the role of nurturer and caretaker and has created them with characteristics that fit this role. Since bonding develops through many interactions between parent and child it only makes sense that they be together for this to occur. It is a disturbing situation when a woman goes back to work 6 weeks after the baby is born leaving him/her in daycare for 10 hours a day. She then comes home too frazzled and exhausted to have any interactions with the baby much less quality time. If it is absolutely necessary for a woman to work it is important to find a competent, caring person to take care of the child, preferably a Muslim. It is possible for a child to bond with more than one person.
2. Breastfeed. Allah has provided humans with a natural technique for development of a bond through the prescription of breastfeeding: "The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years." [2:233]; "And the bearing of him and the weaning of him is thirty months." [46:15]. This is another example of Allah's infinite wisdom that has only recently been proven by scientific knowledge. There are numerous health benefits from breastfeeding as well as emotional and social effects that will last a lifetime.
3. Respond to the infant's needs as quickly as possible. A significant part of the bonding process involves trust. When the needs of the baby are fulfilled, he/she develops trust in the caretaker and in the world. Crying and fussiness are forms of communication that signal that something is not quite right, and it is the responsibility of the caretaker to determine what should be done. Experienced parents are able to distinguish various cries and their associated needs. It is also possible to sense the early signs of needs and take care of them before the infant becomes upset. Caretakers who do this well usually have babies who are very content, secure, and enjoyable.
4. Communicate with your infant. There are many ways to send messages of love and care to your infant. These include talking in a soft voice, "answering" sounds by cooing or imitating, singing, smiling, hugging, stroking, massaging, making eye contact and much more. Mothers and infants tend to develop their own special language that really is an expression of their love for each other. One of the most wonderful gifts from Allah is the beautiful, bright smile of an infant that says "I am loved and cared for and I am returning that love." What amazing synchrony!
Following this advice does not guarantee that your child will develop according to your wishes and it will not alleviate your concerns, but it is an initial building block that will provide a strong foundation upon which to build. It is important to remember throughout the whole building process that our children are only a test for us and that we must always rely on Allah.
The Positive and Negative C's of Parenting
The Positive and Negative C's of Parenting
By Shahina Siddiqui
Reprinted from as-Sahar al-Islamiyah, October 1999
One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for. Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.
The Positive C's
Compassion (Rahmah):
The Prophet Muhammad (saas) stated that "He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings." It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them. Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (rahmah) - the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad (saas) when Al-Aqra ibn Habis told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children. Upon hearing that the Prophet Muhammad (saas) told him, "You have no mercy and tenderness at all. Those who do not show mercy to others will not have God's mercy shown to them."
Consultation (Shura):
The Prophet (saas) has related that Allah says,
"Oh My servants. I have forbidden oppression for Myself, And I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other."
When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn and listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle, as-shura.
Cooperation:
The concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in sura Al-Asr : "Counsel each other to the truth (haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (sabr)." When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam - the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.
Commitment:
It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet (saas):
"Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you." (Sura An-Nisa).
This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose - namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.
Communication:
Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others. So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not talking "to" the other person. This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children learn at an early age to tune out their parents. When communication is a means of listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures. It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humour when parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).
Consistency:
Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgements, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.
Confidentiality:
Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, we parents often betray the trust of our children when we discuss their concerns which they confide in us to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This leads them to find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.
Contentment:
The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.
Confidence:
It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.
Control:
By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (nafs).
Calm:
By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our taqwa and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs. Allah says in the Quran that the best statement of the believers in times of adversity or musibah is, "Indeed we are from Allah and to Him is our return."
Courage:
Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our childrentrue Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (imaan) flourishes and evolves towards ihsaan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to each other.
Critical Thinking:
The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyse. However, very rarely do parents encourage children to question. Our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say "do it because I said so." This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.
Charity:
The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as Prophet Muhammad (s) stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters." Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad (s) stated "like for your brother what you like for yourself." So if a husband and wife expect respect from each other they should give respect. A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.
The Negative C's:
There are many negative C's which should also be identified so that we can avoid them or at least be aware of them. As you will notice when you go through the whole exercise, the presence of one negative C cancels out a positive C.
Competition:
In an authentic Hadith the Prophet Muhammad (s) said : "Look up to one who is greater in piety so you strive to be like him and look upon one who is below you in material status so that you may be thankful to Allah's Grace."
As a Muslim community we are experiencing the opposite. We are literally killing ourselves to gain bigger and better material goods than others and passing this same materially-oriented competitive spirit to our children. If Brother X's son is going to Yale, my son must go to Harvard otherwise he is a failure, no matter how good a mu'min he is in comparison to Brother X's son. We are inadvertently putting so much pressure on our children to compete in dunya that we are actually hurting their self esteem and pushing them away. For remember, if children don't find acceptance of who they are and what they are capable of at home, they will find it elsewhere.
Comparison:
Comparison is an outcome of negative competition. It is cruel and breeds resentment and anger. Many husbands and wives compare their spouses to others and get in the habit of complaining. Grass always seems greener in the neighbour's yard, but closer inspection may reveal the opposite. None of us are perfect, and therefore we should stop looking for perfection in others.
Control:
The negative aspect of control shows in the form of a controlling personality e.g. I am the boss so you do as I tell you. In extreme cases this need to control leads to abuse and neglect. Anger is also a weapon of a control freak. In most cases it is the father, however mothers also exhibit this trait.
Criticism:
Constant, destructive criticism is a sign of dysfunctional parenting. Continuous put downs and verbal clashing destroys the tranquil atmosphere at home. The self esteem of the recipients of this criticism is extremely low developing in them a victim mentality. They will either seek abusive relationships or turn their backs on their families. Many runaways come from such a family background.
Corruption:
"If the truth were to follow their whims, the heaven and earth and all their inhabitants would be corrupt." (Al-Mu'minoon).
Weak nafs and diseases of the heart lead to poor character which of course is the result of grudging submission and conditional faith. When we corrupt our deen by picking and choosing what we want, practicing what suits us best and resisting and out right opposing what does not suit our fancy, we pay an enormous price by loosing ourselves to the dunya, and driving our children away from Islam.
Confusion:
Some parents are confused about their identity and their values. They have not been able to develop a structure of right and wrong based on Quran and Hadith and as such when it comes to implementation give conflicting signals to their children. We must as parents develop an Islamic frame of reference which would serve to develop a Muslim conscience in our children and a basis for judgement. This can only be achieved by sifting through our cultural baggage and increasing our knowledge.
Contempt:
Contempt for others is a result of pride, arrogance, and conceit. We must discourage arrogance in children and be constantly vigilant about it as many Muslim youth are falling prey to this trait and developing contempt towards their parents. It is one thing to praise and quite another to set them up on a pedestal. We should always remember that "knowledge is proud that it knows so much, but wisdom is humble because it knows no more."
Consumerism:
Consumption, a vice of this society, is creeping into Muslim communities. When wants become needs, and parents start compensating for their lack of time spent with their children with material gifts, we are perpetuating consumerism - anything can be bought. This, however, is not true. So many young people I counsel always say, "I could do without this new computer if only my parents would spend more time with me."
The legacy of materialism survives generations since it caters to our baser selves. Watch out for it.
Contradiction:
When there is contradiction in word and deed it is called hypocrisy. Children are very sensitive to this vice and can spot a hypocrite a mile away. When we behave holier-than-thou in the masjid but present a different side in other settings, we are giving our children the message it is OK to be a hypocrite.
Carelessness:
As Prophet Muhammad reminded us in his last sermon that Shaytan cannot mislead us in major issues of faith but in minor issues. This is where our carelessness and lack of diligence can lead to weak character.
Colonization:
This is a mind set that many immigrant parents have passed down to their children - a sense of inferiority, a complex as such, that European and Western cultures are superior and better than that of their country of origin. This is a mentality that encourages imitation, following and serving rather than leadership.
There are many more positive and negative C's that I could discuss but perhaps it would be entertaining if families could sit together and see how many they can come up with, and perform a diagnostic test of their own families based on this humble contribution.
By Shahina Siddiqui
Reprinted from as-Sahar al-Islamiyah, October 1999
One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for. Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.
The Positive C's
Compassion (Rahmah):
The Prophet Muhammad (saas) stated that "He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings." It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them. Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (rahmah) - the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad (saas) when Al-Aqra ibn Habis told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children. Upon hearing that the Prophet Muhammad (saas) told him, "You have no mercy and tenderness at all. Those who do not show mercy to others will not have God's mercy shown to them."
Consultation (Shura):
The Prophet (saas) has related that Allah says,
"Oh My servants. I have forbidden oppression for Myself, And I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other."
When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn and listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle, as-shura.
Cooperation:
The concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in sura Al-Asr : "Counsel each other to the truth (haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (sabr)." When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam - the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.
Commitment:
It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet (saas):
"Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you." (Sura An-Nisa).
This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose - namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.
Communication:
Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others. So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not talking "to" the other person. This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children learn at an early age to tune out their parents. When communication is a means of listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures. It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humour when parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).
Consistency:
Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgements, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.
Confidentiality:
Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, we parents often betray the trust of our children when we discuss their concerns which they confide in us to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This leads them to find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.
Contentment:
The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.
Confidence:
It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.
Control:
By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (nafs).
Calm:
By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our taqwa and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs. Allah says in the Quran that the best statement of the believers in times of adversity or musibah is, "Indeed we are from Allah and to Him is our return."
Courage:
Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our childrentrue Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (imaan) flourishes and evolves towards ihsaan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to each other.
Critical Thinking:
The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyse. However, very rarely do parents encourage children to question. Our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say "do it because I said so." This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.
Charity:
The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as Prophet Muhammad (s) stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters." Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad (s) stated "like for your brother what you like for yourself." So if a husband and wife expect respect from each other they should give respect. A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.
The Negative C's:
There are many negative C's which should also be identified so that we can avoid them or at least be aware of them. As you will notice when you go through the whole exercise, the presence of one negative C cancels out a positive C.
Competition:
In an authentic Hadith the Prophet Muhammad (s) said : "Look up to one who is greater in piety so you strive to be like him and look upon one who is below you in material status so that you may be thankful to Allah's Grace."
As a Muslim community we are experiencing the opposite. We are literally killing ourselves to gain bigger and better material goods than others and passing this same materially-oriented competitive spirit to our children. If Brother X's son is going to Yale, my son must go to Harvard otherwise he is a failure, no matter how good a mu'min he is in comparison to Brother X's son. We are inadvertently putting so much pressure on our children to compete in dunya that we are actually hurting their self esteem and pushing them away. For remember, if children don't find acceptance of who they are and what they are capable of at home, they will find it elsewhere.
Comparison:
Comparison is an outcome of negative competition. It is cruel and breeds resentment and anger. Many husbands and wives compare their spouses to others and get in the habit of complaining. Grass always seems greener in the neighbour's yard, but closer inspection may reveal the opposite. None of us are perfect, and therefore we should stop looking for perfection in others.
Control:
The negative aspect of control shows in the form of a controlling personality e.g. I am the boss so you do as I tell you. In extreme cases this need to control leads to abuse and neglect. Anger is also a weapon of a control freak. In most cases it is the father, however mothers also exhibit this trait.
Criticism:
Constant, destructive criticism is a sign of dysfunctional parenting. Continuous put downs and verbal clashing destroys the tranquil atmosphere at home. The self esteem of the recipients of this criticism is extremely low developing in them a victim mentality. They will either seek abusive relationships or turn their backs on their families. Many runaways come from such a family background.
Corruption:
"If the truth were to follow their whims, the heaven and earth and all their inhabitants would be corrupt." (Al-Mu'minoon).
Weak nafs and diseases of the heart lead to poor character which of course is the result of grudging submission and conditional faith. When we corrupt our deen by picking and choosing what we want, practicing what suits us best and resisting and out right opposing what does not suit our fancy, we pay an enormous price by loosing ourselves to the dunya, and driving our children away from Islam.
Confusion:
Some parents are confused about their identity and their values. They have not been able to develop a structure of right and wrong based on Quran and Hadith and as such when it comes to implementation give conflicting signals to their children. We must as parents develop an Islamic frame of reference which would serve to develop a Muslim conscience in our children and a basis for judgement. This can only be achieved by sifting through our cultural baggage and increasing our knowledge.
Contempt:
Contempt for others is a result of pride, arrogance, and conceit. We must discourage arrogance in children and be constantly vigilant about it as many Muslim youth are falling prey to this trait and developing contempt towards their parents. It is one thing to praise and quite another to set them up on a pedestal. We should always remember that "knowledge is proud that it knows so much, but wisdom is humble because it knows no more."
Consumerism:
Consumption, a vice of this society, is creeping into Muslim communities. When wants become needs, and parents start compensating for their lack of time spent with their children with material gifts, we are perpetuating consumerism - anything can be bought. This, however, is not true. So many young people I counsel always say, "I could do without this new computer if only my parents would spend more time with me."
The legacy of materialism survives generations since it caters to our baser selves. Watch out for it.
Contradiction:
When there is contradiction in word and deed it is called hypocrisy. Children are very sensitive to this vice and can spot a hypocrite a mile away. When we behave holier-than-thou in the masjid but present a different side in other settings, we are giving our children the message it is OK to be a hypocrite.
Carelessness:
As Prophet Muhammad reminded us in his last sermon that Shaytan cannot mislead us in major issues of faith but in minor issues. This is where our carelessness and lack of diligence can lead to weak character.
Colonization:
This is a mind set that many immigrant parents have passed down to their children - a sense of inferiority, a complex as such, that European and Western cultures are superior and better than that of their country of origin. This is a mentality that encourages imitation, following and serving rather than leadership.
There are many more positive and negative C's that I could discuss but perhaps it would be entertaining if families could sit together and see how many they can come up with, and perform a diagnostic test of their own families based on this humble contribution.
The Agenda of Human Potential in Childhood Development
The Agenda of Human Potential in Childhood Development
Its Implications & Challenges to Education
This well-written article discusses our knowledge of the physical and intellectual development of a child from the time of conception, and how that knowledge may be used to raise strong and intelligent Muslim children.
By Mansor Hj Sukaimi
When you next see a newly born baby, pause for a moment. Take the child into your arms. Look into its eyes; see the glow in its face, the tenderness of its skin, and the purity of its soul. It does not matter who the baby is, who his or her parents are, or even what their religion is. You will see clear signs of the grandeur of God's creation.
Do not ask what he or she will be. Do not fear about its future ~ how he or she will manage life in the new world of massive knowledge, rapid change, and brittle with the hazards of instantaneous exposure. Instead, ponder and rejoice in feeling its strength, the grand potential endowed in every newborn. Look for the signs of strength for the child is, indeed, the untainted embodiment of Adam's magnificence, and the designated missionary of the Prophet's traditions.
When you next see a newly born baby, listen carefully to the reminders he or she whispers to you: "I am a Gift of God, His Trust, destined to fulfill His Command as His Vicegerent on earth. I am not a child. I am but the professor, the scientist, the aalim (scholar), the craftsman, the leader, the parent, merely set in this transient state you call 'a baby'. Do not grieve about my incapacities or possible pitfalls. I am endowed with strength and high potentials. I only need your blessings, your care, your kindness, your time so that this strength in me will grow and blossom. That is all I ask: Give me this opportunity."
If we read again Surat Al Baqarah verse 30, we will rejoice to know that it was Adam who was chosen to be God's vicegerent, not the Angels or the Jins. We will also know that, in nearly all aspects, Adam was obviously the weakest being, except for the two gifts, not accorded to the Angels and the Jins: the knowledge that God showers on Adam as (verse 2:31), and the privilege to think and make choices.
This is the grand tradition that every newly born child brings to us. It is strength, not weakness, and Surat At-Tiin verse 4 and Surat Al-Israa' verse 70 attest to this strength. Therefore, in every child, there is this grand agenda and it must be our joyous duty to help the child fulfill and celebrate his mission.
What has been our experience? What can we do? What knowledge do we need to succeed in fulfilling this responsibility?
Let me share with you some exciting ideas that may change our thinking about the child and its education, and see what we can do to help as many children as possible to grow and become men and women of excellence and piety in whatever they do, and wherever they may be.
First, the concept of Rububiyat as elegantly described by Abul Kalam Azad in his book The Opening Chapter of the Qur'an:
" ... Rububiyat means nourishing'. In its widest sense, the term means 'to develop a thing from stage to stage in accordance with its inherent aptitudes, needs and its different aspects of existence, and also in a manner affording the requisite freedom for it to attain its full stature.'"
"The provision that He has made for the sustenance and growth of everything is made under a plan, so marvelous that every being is furnished with all that its particular nature demands for its existence and, at the same time, it is furnished in a manner that takes cognizance of every changing situation and need."
" ... it is the method and manner of providing them or the system into which they are made to fit, which is Rububiyat, and it is under this system that whatever is needed for the existence and sustenance of every being is provided at appropriate time and in appropriate quantity, in order that the entire machinery of existence might run smoothly."
What can we derive from this concept of Rububiyat? Five fundamental elements:
an agenda of strength
a stage-by-stage process of its growth
need for freedom for it to attain its full stature
everything is provided for its sustenance and growth
and is furnished in a manner that takes cognizance of every changing situation and need.
Agenda of Strength
Since every child is endowed with high potential, why are we too often harassed by fears that our children will fail? Surely, the very essence of Islam is strength, and, surely, we will miss out on this if, in developing children, we see their weaknesses more than their strength. Developing children must be made on the basis of what I call "the highest common denominator" in every child. Look for what he or she can be, the "possible human," look for the attributes of excellence. Do not see the child as a future incapacitated boy or girl.
Science, too, has assurances for us. As early as age four months in its mother's womb, the child has over 100 billion brain cells, more than what he or she will ever need up to the end of his or her life. From that early age, the child begins to build for itself the internal means, tools and predisposition to become a vibrant learner. From that age, too, up to his or her birth, the baby actively builds the templates for fine human language, emotions, movements, taste, and memory apparatus, as well as an endearment towards Quranic recitations. All these are attained merely by the child responding to what the mother does, her movements, heartbeat, showers of chemical enzymes, nutrients, and the sound and character of her language, zikir (praising Allah) and supplication.
Yet, why is it that no exciting things are being done every month, every year, to help pregnant Muslimahs during their pregnancies? Why have we not searched and used fully the exciting results about in-utero stimulation and the vast field experiences that abound the world over, and then deliver the knowledge to young parents so that every child gets the best possible opportunity to attain full stature by the time of birth?
Think about it!
Safe Birth
Pregnancy, or development during in-utero, constitutes the most crucial initial stage of development. So much is being built in the child, and so crucial are the mental, bodily and emotional infrastructures that are being developed. It is no wonder that a healthy and happy pregnant mother is usually most beautiful. It is no wonder that the child in the womb is the human who gets the best possible protection that he or she can ever have in his or her life.
We also know that, with good in-utero development, the child will have the best chance of being delivered safely and without undue trauma. At birth, he or she has the prospect of attaining 25% level of its human potential, and can be in the best possible natural state. Safe delivery, in turn, makes it easy for the mother to breastfeed, establish the essential mother-child bonding, and ready the child to rejoice life with strength.
The First Six Months
Then comes the first six months of life when the key foundations of learning and life - language, movements, melody and pitch of Quranic recitations, eye focus, sense of rhythm, manual dexterity, taste likes-and-dislikes, joyousness, and the first 3,000 to 5,000 words - are being built. These are indeed the very bases, so essential to the child, for its success in education and in life. All these work towards building, by age six months, 50% of that which is possible in the human.
The First Three Years
Then comes the first three years of life. The young explorer, linguist, inventor, dramatist, scientist, and future parent, equipped with the first six months' grounding, explores the world seeking fulfillment in attaining 85% attributes of the possible human by age three. All these are happening long before the child steps into his or her first kindergarten.
With good development, the child enters the first pre-school or kindergarten with grand style and aplomb at age three or four. His or her friends suddenly enlarge and enrich his or her world and the child returns home with new songs, motivational stars of excellence stamped on her scribbled drawings, and a fatigued, but fulfilled, body snuggling into the mother's embrace for the deserved, deep sleep. This is the joy. This is the endearing sight when all parents do all they can to bring fulfillment to the high potentials of 3- and 4-year olds.
The First Six Years
Then comes Primary School at the vibrant age of six years. The crisp books, fragrant uniform, virgin shoes, multi-coloured pencils, firm school bag and the flashing name-tag joyously accompany the child as he or she enters the school. Into the school domain, the child enters well-equipped with proficiency in two languages, love for books and ability to read, knowing Mathematics as a language, finesse in writing and drawing skills, a healthy body, magnanimous mind, and, of course, the doas and zikirs of the blessed student of His Ilm well grounded by conscientious parents.
Akil Baligh
The child then grows rapidly. In less than six or seven years, he or she enters the age of puberty, akil baligh. By that age, as tender as 12, 13 or 14, our child is entrusted with Fardhu 'Ain and Fardhu Kifayah (compulsory acts in Islam) - a commissioning that accords the child with responsibilities similar to all other adults, similar to its parents and grand parents. Yet the child is still at the tender age of 12, 13 or 14 years old.
Herein lies the first test of all that the parents have done, or have not done. Herein, too, lies the instance for us to see if our children are duly equipped with the knowledge, skills, piety, daily habits, magnanimity and mental resilience to fulfill the original traditions that began with Adam alayhis-salam. It is from puberty, akil baligh, that our children begin to live as the Vicegerents of God on His earth - earning His blessings, or shrivelling under His wrath.
How many children are ready for akil baligh, beyond just ablutions, body cleansing, performing the daily solat, and completing the "khataman al-Quran"? What about their depth of knowledge about the world, living skills, daily productive living, acts of charity, savings, creative work, the change from being a burden to an asset to parents?
This is the significance of attaining akil baligh. What I say is not an intellectual or semantic discourse. Nor is it even a conscientious act of prescriptive appeal. Akil baligh is a profound state that comes to our children for merely being human, Muslim and trustees of the high traditions of Adam a.s. It is indeed a privilege for only in puberty will our children earn the opportunity to receive His Blessings in his or her capacity as an individual. And only with akil baligh will his supplications for God's Mercy for his parents become validated.
I wonder how many parents see akil baligh as a major milestone in the development of their children. I also wonder whether serious discourses are being done amongst educationists to define the full attributes of what an akil baligh child should, and can be. We need such discourses. Only when we know what these attributes are can we use fully the years of infancy and childhood to prepare the child for the attainment of akil baligh.
If we follow through this longitudinal process of child growth we will naturally see the child through college or university, and then work, and then marriage and then, back to the cycle of bearing, delivering and developing children. It is indeed the grand signs of His Mercy to see that at each stage there are inherent plans, facilities and in-house resources that are readily available, the use of which is sufficient to cause the fulfillment of the child's potentials.
Imagine if all these are readily known! Imagine if the good practices of effective child development become set as the morés, and eventually, the abiding culture of our families! Then the scope for human development becomes vast; the heights for community upliftment, limitless; the tone for preparing life in the new era, joyous and reassuring.
This stage-by-stage growth process has to occur, irrespective of race, status, time or life-styles. As the effects occur in a cumulative manner and in a longitudinal time-frame, it must be imperative that educational programmes begin early, achieve good growth at each stage, and optimize growth at each and subsequent stages. If this stage-by-stage-longitudinal factor is ignored, education of our children will not attain the kind of quality and strength that is innate in the child we call "The Possible Human" ~ al-insan al-kamil.
Reorientations and New Emphasis
Early childhood development offers us the basis and starting point of a truly successful educational endeavour. We need to integrate the stage-by-stage and longitudinal approaches into our management thinking, policies, strategies and project implementation.
Many approaches are possible. I reckon the following matters are important:
Compile and use substantive available information about human potential and its optimization.
Develop packages for effective care and development for each or all the critical stages of growth.
Make greater use of resources of parents and homes in view of the criticality of early childhood development.
Expand and upgrade programmes and content of parental training.
Redesign and expand programmes for new parents, including prospective couples.
Upgrade the training of prospective brides and grooms as a dedicated policy for all.
Ensure more interactive use of parents-home and teacher-school symbiosis.
Develop new learning-teaching techniques for effective learning and teaching.
Develop new learning-teaching softwares, project formats and activity packages.
Develop learning-teaching technology as a premier industry of the 21st century.
Develop as quickly as possible more and better organizers or resource persons.
Collect the range of books, reference or resource materials that embody the state-of-the-art in child development and education technology.
Establish more and effective school-home joint programmes.
All these constitute exciting domains of child, family and human development for the new millenium. We have the chance to make them our expanded challenges - and achieve the crucial headstart! We can and we should work towards human growth on the basis of this agenda of strength, the agenda of human potential. Only then will we have a wider spectrum of choice for a meaningful life for ourselves and our children.
I dream of the day when registration of the child for Primary One Madrasah begins from the time the mother knows she is pregnant. With this facility, the madrasah and the parents can benefit fully from the facilities accorded by virtue of the Rububiyat. Mother, father, the family and the madrasah conscientiously use the early years with good effect, taking full advantage of in-utero development, the first six months, the first three years and the crucial six years. And then present the child to the school and the world in strength!
Given this, the meaning of akil baligh will have its full value for the child is ready to fulfilling His Vicegerency with due acclaim.
Its Implications & Challenges to Education
This well-written article discusses our knowledge of the physical and intellectual development of a child from the time of conception, and how that knowledge may be used to raise strong and intelligent Muslim children.
By Mansor Hj Sukaimi
When you next see a newly born baby, pause for a moment. Take the child into your arms. Look into its eyes; see the glow in its face, the tenderness of its skin, and the purity of its soul. It does not matter who the baby is, who his or her parents are, or even what their religion is. You will see clear signs of the grandeur of God's creation.
Do not ask what he or she will be. Do not fear about its future ~ how he or she will manage life in the new world of massive knowledge, rapid change, and brittle with the hazards of instantaneous exposure. Instead, ponder and rejoice in feeling its strength, the grand potential endowed in every newborn. Look for the signs of strength for the child is, indeed, the untainted embodiment of Adam's magnificence, and the designated missionary of the Prophet's traditions.
When you next see a newly born baby, listen carefully to the reminders he or she whispers to you: "I am a Gift of God, His Trust, destined to fulfill His Command as His Vicegerent on earth. I am not a child. I am but the professor, the scientist, the aalim (scholar), the craftsman, the leader, the parent, merely set in this transient state you call 'a baby'. Do not grieve about my incapacities or possible pitfalls. I am endowed with strength and high potentials. I only need your blessings, your care, your kindness, your time so that this strength in me will grow and blossom. That is all I ask: Give me this opportunity."
If we read again Surat Al Baqarah verse 30, we will rejoice to know that it was Adam who was chosen to be God's vicegerent, not the Angels or the Jins. We will also know that, in nearly all aspects, Adam was obviously the weakest being, except for the two gifts, not accorded to the Angels and the Jins: the knowledge that God showers on Adam as (verse 2:31), and the privilege to think and make choices.
This is the grand tradition that every newly born child brings to us. It is strength, not weakness, and Surat At-Tiin verse 4 and Surat Al-Israa' verse 70 attest to this strength. Therefore, in every child, there is this grand agenda and it must be our joyous duty to help the child fulfill and celebrate his mission.
What has been our experience? What can we do? What knowledge do we need to succeed in fulfilling this responsibility?
Let me share with you some exciting ideas that may change our thinking about the child and its education, and see what we can do to help as many children as possible to grow and become men and women of excellence and piety in whatever they do, and wherever they may be.
First, the concept of Rububiyat as elegantly described by Abul Kalam Azad in his book The Opening Chapter of the Qur'an:
" ... Rububiyat means nourishing'. In its widest sense, the term means 'to develop a thing from stage to stage in accordance with its inherent aptitudes, needs and its different aspects of existence, and also in a manner affording the requisite freedom for it to attain its full stature.'"
"The provision that He has made for the sustenance and growth of everything is made under a plan, so marvelous that every being is furnished with all that its particular nature demands for its existence and, at the same time, it is furnished in a manner that takes cognizance of every changing situation and need."
" ... it is the method and manner of providing them or the system into which they are made to fit, which is Rububiyat, and it is under this system that whatever is needed for the existence and sustenance of every being is provided at appropriate time and in appropriate quantity, in order that the entire machinery of existence might run smoothly."
What can we derive from this concept of Rububiyat? Five fundamental elements:
an agenda of strength
a stage-by-stage process of its growth
need for freedom for it to attain its full stature
everything is provided for its sustenance and growth
and is furnished in a manner that takes cognizance of every changing situation and need.
Agenda of Strength
Since every child is endowed with high potential, why are we too often harassed by fears that our children will fail? Surely, the very essence of Islam is strength, and, surely, we will miss out on this if, in developing children, we see their weaknesses more than their strength. Developing children must be made on the basis of what I call "the highest common denominator" in every child. Look for what he or she can be, the "possible human," look for the attributes of excellence. Do not see the child as a future incapacitated boy or girl.
Science, too, has assurances for us. As early as age four months in its mother's womb, the child has over 100 billion brain cells, more than what he or she will ever need up to the end of his or her life. From that early age, the child begins to build for itself the internal means, tools and predisposition to become a vibrant learner. From that age, too, up to his or her birth, the baby actively builds the templates for fine human language, emotions, movements, taste, and memory apparatus, as well as an endearment towards Quranic recitations. All these are attained merely by the child responding to what the mother does, her movements, heartbeat, showers of chemical enzymes, nutrients, and the sound and character of her language, zikir (praising Allah) and supplication.
Yet, why is it that no exciting things are being done every month, every year, to help pregnant Muslimahs during their pregnancies? Why have we not searched and used fully the exciting results about in-utero stimulation and the vast field experiences that abound the world over, and then deliver the knowledge to young parents so that every child gets the best possible opportunity to attain full stature by the time of birth?
Think about it!
Safe Birth
Pregnancy, or development during in-utero, constitutes the most crucial initial stage of development. So much is being built in the child, and so crucial are the mental, bodily and emotional infrastructures that are being developed. It is no wonder that a healthy and happy pregnant mother is usually most beautiful. It is no wonder that the child in the womb is the human who gets the best possible protection that he or she can ever have in his or her life.
We also know that, with good in-utero development, the child will have the best chance of being delivered safely and without undue trauma. At birth, he or she has the prospect of attaining 25% level of its human potential, and can be in the best possible natural state. Safe delivery, in turn, makes it easy for the mother to breastfeed, establish the essential mother-child bonding, and ready the child to rejoice life with strength.
The First Six Months
Then comes the first six months of life when the key foundations of learning and life - language, movements, melody and pitch of Quranic recitations, eye focus, sense of rhythm, manual dexterity, taste likes-and-dislikes, joyousness, and the first 3,000 to 5,000 words - are being built. These are indeed the very bases, so essential to the child, for its success in education and in life. All these work towards building, by age six months, 50% of that which is possible in the human.
The First Three Years
Then comes the first three years of life. The young explorer, linguist, inventor, dramatist, scientist, and future parent, equipped with the first six months' grounding, explores the world seeking fulfillment in attaining 85% attributes of the possible human by age three. All these are happening long before the child steps into his or her first kindergarten.
With good development, the child enters the first pre-school or kindergarten with grand style and aplomb at age three or four. His or her friends suddenly enlarge and enrich his or her world and the child returns home with new songs, motivational stars of excellence stamped on her scribbled drawings, and a fatigued, but fulfilled, body snuggling into the mother's embrace for the deserved, deep sleep. This is the joy. This is the endearing sight when all parents do all they can to bring fulfillment to the high potentials of 3- and 4-year olds.
The First Six Years
Then comes Primary School at the vibrant age of six years. The crisp books, fragrant uniform, virgin shoes, multi-coloured pencils, firm school bag and the flashing name-tag joyously accompany the child as he or she enters the school. Into the school domain, the child enters well-equipped with proficiency in two languages, love for books and ability to read, knowing Mathematics as a language, finesse in writing and drawing skills, a healthy body, magnanimous mind, and, of course, the doas and zikirs of the blessed student of His Ilm well grounded by conscientious parents.
Akil Baligh
The child then grows rapidly. In less than six or seven years, he or she enters the age of puberty, akil baligh. By that age, as tender as 12, 13 or 14, our child is entrusted with Fardhu 'Ain and Fardhu Kifayah (compulsory acts in Islam) - a commissioning that accords the child with responsibilities similar to all other adults, similar to its parents and grand parents. Yet the child is still at the tender age of 12, 13 or 14 years old.
Herein lies the first test of all that the parents have done, or have not done. Herein, too, lies the instance for us to see if our children are duly equipped with the knowledge, skills, piety, daily habits, magnanimity and mental resilience to fulfill the original traditions that began with Adam alayhis-salam. It is from puberty, akil baligh, that our children begin to live as the Vicegerents of God on His earth - earning His blessings, or shrivelling under His wrath.
How many children are ready for akil baligh, beyond just ablutions, body cleansing, performing the daily solat, and completing the "khataman al-Quran"? What about their depth of knowledge about the world, living skills, daily productive living, acts of charity, savings, creative work, the change from being a burden to an asset to parents?
This is the significance of attaining akil baligh. What I say is not an intellectual or semantic discourse. Nor is it even a conscientious act of prescriptive appeal. Akil baligh is a profound state that comes to our children for merely being human, Muslim and trustees of the high traditions of Adam a.s. It is indeed a privilege for only in puberty will our children earn the opportunity to receive His Blessings in his or her capacity as an individual. And only with akil baligh will his supplications for God's Mercy for his parents become validated.
I wonder how many parents see akil baligh as a major milestone in the development of their children. I also wonder whether serious discourses are being done amongst educationists to define the full attributes of what an akil baligh child should, and can be. We need such discourses. Only when we know what these attributes are can we use fully the years of infancy and childhood to prepare the child for the attainment of akil baligh.
If we follow through this longitudinal process of child growth we will naturally see the child through college or university, and then work, and then marriage and then, back to the cycle of bearing, delivering and developing children. It is indeed the grand signs of His Mercy to see that at each stage there are inherent plans, facilities and in-house resources that are readily available, the use of which is sufficient to cause the fulfillment of the child's potentials.
Imagine if all these are readily known! Imagine if the good practices of effective child development become set as the morés, and eventually, the abiding culture of our families! Then the scope for human development becomes vast; the heights for community upliftment, limitless; the tone for preparing life in the new era, joyous and reassuring.
This stage-by-stage growth process has to occur, irrespective of race, status, time or life-styles. As the effects occur in a cumulative manner and in a longitudinal time-frame, it must be imperative that educational programmes begin early, achieve good growth at each stage, and optimize growth at each and subsequent stages. If this stage-by-stage-longitudinal factor is ignored, education of our children will not attain the kind of quality and strength that is innate in the child we call "The Possible Human" ~ al-insan al-kamil.
Reorientations and New Emphasis
Early childhood development offers us the basis and starting point of a truly successful educational endeavour. We need to integrate the stage-by-stage and longitudinal approaches into our management thinking, policies, strategies and project implementation.
Many approaches are possible. I reckon the following matters are important:
Compile and use substantive available information about human potential and its optimization.
Develop packages for effective care and development for each or all the critical stages of growth.
Make greater use of resources of parents and homes in view of the criticality of early childhood development.
Expand and upgrade programmes and content of parental training.
Redesign and expand programmes for new parents, including prospective couples.
Upgrade the training of prospective brides and grooms as a dedicated policy for all.
Ensure more interactive use of parents-home and teacher-school symbiosis.
Develop new learning-teaching techniques for effective learning and teaching.
Develop new learning-teaching softwares, project formats and activity packages.
Develop learning-teaching technology as a premier industry of the 21st century.
Develop as quickly as possible more and better organizers or resource persons.
Collect the range of books, reference or resource materials that embody the state-of-the-art in child development and education technology.
Establish more and effective school-home joint programmes.
All these constitute exciting domains of child, family and human development for the new millenium. We have the chance to make them our expanded challenges - and achieve the crucial headstart! We can and we should work towards human growth on the basis of this agenda of strength, the agenda of human potential. Only then will we have a wider spectrum of choice for a meaningful life for ourselves and our children.
I dream of the day when registration of the child for Primary One Madrasah begins from the time the mother knows she is pregnant. With this facility, the madrasah and the parents can benefit fully from the facilities accorded by virtue of the Rububiyat. Mother, father, the family and the madrasah conscientiously use the early years with good effect, taking full advantage of in-utero development, the first six months, the first three years and the crucial six years. And then present the child to the school and the world in strength!
Given this, the meaning of akil baligh will have its full value for the child is ready to fulfilling His Vicegerency with due acclaim.
Fatherhood: A Sacrifice and a Trial
Fatherhood: A Sacrifice and a Trial
Balancing Family and Islamic Work
By Maria Hussain
On Eid-ul-Adha, Muslims commemorate the Prophet Ibrahim's willingness to sacrifice his first-born son at the command of Allah, and how Allah spared his son and made him a Prophet. When Ibrahim told his son that he had had a vision that Allah wanted him as a sacrifice, Ismail agreed to it without hesitation, as the Qur'an narrates:
Then, when the son reached the age of serious work with him, He said: "O my son! I see in vision that I offer thee in sacrifice: Now see what is thy view!" The son said: "O my father! Do as thou art commanded: Thou will find me, if Allah so wills one practising Patience and Constancy!" So when they had both submitted their wills to Allah, and he had laid him prostrate on his forehead for sacrifice, We called out to him, "O Abraham! Thou hast already fulfilled the vision!" - thus indeed do We reward those who do right. For this was obviously a trial - And We ransomed him with a momentous sacrifice. (37:102-107)
What is most remarkable about this story is how Ismail had complete trust in the wisdom of his father's vision. How many of our children would react this way if we said to them, "God told me to sacrifice you"? Probably they would say, "Are you crazy?" They might accept the idea of martyrdom for the sake of Allah but they would not have the complete trust in his father's relationship with Allah as Ismail had, which enabled him to believe in his father's vision, and in his father's interpretation of that vision.
There is a big difference between this and mere blind faith. In blind faith, one believes without knowing why one believes. However, the level of faith displayed by these two Prophets shows complete certainty in Allah's plan and absolute clarity of communication between God and servant. The sharing of this faith together resulted in an unbreakable bond of unquestioning loyalty between father and son based on the son's firm knowledge and security in the goodness and purity of his father's motives.
This deep trust could only be a result of close companionship. Ibrahim had taught Ismail all that he knew of Islam, and trained him in the religion. Together, they had built the great altar to Allah.
And yet, all their love was for the sake of Allah. The father had no attachments to his future plans for his son. Nor did the son have any goal other than to obey his father, the Prophet Ibrahim, and to willingly give up everything for the sake of Allah.
Being Worthy of Our Family's Trust
As parents, we have to keep striving to be worthy of our family's trust by keeping our households focused on serving Allah alone. How many parents are actually raising their children as sacrifices to Allah? Like Maryam, have we pledged our unborn babies to the service of the Lord?
On the contrary, how many Muslim families push their children harder financially and materially? Many parents try to destroy a child's will, forcing him to live out their dreams. We usually want our sons and daughters to attend a good college and to marry the very best in status. But how many of us would celebrate when our sons and daughters told us they are getting ready to travel throughout the world as Allah has commanded? How many of us are going to buy our sons and daughters a one-way ticket when they tell us Allah has called them to make Jihad? How many of us would stand in their way? Could we sacrifice our children for Allah? Do we have anything close to the level of trust between the Prophets Ibrahim and Ismail? Have we fully applied ourselves to passing on to our children the undying love for Allah?
Or have our children already been sacrificed to our busy schedules? We are very attached to our expectations of our children, but we forget that they have claims on us too. According to the prophetic tradition, all the time a man spends with his family is worship. Do we sacrifice our time in order to contribute to our families' Islamic growth? Do we consider our families an important aspect of our Islamic work? Do we do Islamic work as a family? Or do we actually abandon them in our religious zeal?
Families Need a Father's Love
Sadly, many deeply sincere Muslim families are being sacrificed to their fathers' misguided notion that it is manly to abandon family life for the sake of being active in the Muslim community. Rather than viewing their fatherhood and marriage as a service for Allah and a means for purification of self, these men hold back from loving their families too much for fear that this will keep them from loving Allah. They emotionally distance themselves from their wives and children as if they were obstacles on the Path.
This type of father habitually gulps down his dinner and is out the door for the rest of the night. He spends long hours away from his family serving on masjid committees, counselling strangers with their problems, organising fund-raising events, and attending endless meetings. When he is home, he talks on the phone for hours, sits in front of the email, and then collapses, exhausted into bed.
His wife may feel that it is her duty to willingly do without marital companionship in order to free her husband to do the "more important" work of Allah. But if the woman cares at all about her husband, she will eventually feel betrayed and rejected. If years go by and she becomes used to living without him, such that she no longer needs or wants him, then he has lost her, and probably his children also. In today's world, it is not enough for the father to bring home the money and then feel he has done his job.
Sons and daughters need their fathers to spend time with them. Sons who are deprived of their father's companionship and affection are more likely to become delinquent or deviant in their teens.
Daughters who fail to receive their father's attention and praise are more vulnerable to sexual predators as they unconsciously search for a loving father replacement. A desperate need for love and validation has led many teens to forbidden and self-destructive behaviours, while kids who do sports and have fun with their dads tend to have fewer social problems such as smoking or drinking, and they are more likely to have a stable and fulfilling marriage relationship in later years.
Wives who fail to receive regular doses of loving attention from their husbands will lack the self-esteem to effectively train an Islamic family. The wife's depression and nervous anxiety from her husband's prolonged absences can affect her unborn fetus. If she is struggling with her own feelings of abandonment and rejection, how can she be everything for her children? But when a woman feels cherished by her husband and respected, she receives a tremendous boost of energy and there is nothing she would not do for him.
A strong marriage is essential to good health, longevity and a joyous and meaningful existence. The Prophet said,
"When a man approaches his wife, he is guarded by two angels and [at that moment in Allah's view] he is like a warrior fighting for the cause of Allah."
Imam Jafar is noted as saying, "Whenever a person's love for women increases, his faith increases in quality."
Raising a Family is Islamic Work
With this in mind, we must acknowledge that it is not appropriate to view our Muslim families as impediments to our lofty spiritual ambitions, but rather, they are a trial of our actual, personal application of Islam. Allah has commanded Muslims to pray regularly in jummah, and yet, also to maintain loving relationships with our families.
A masjid turned into an all-night-men's-club has a destructive influence on the family and community. Is there some sort of competition between a Muslim brother's dedication to the Islamic organisation and his dedication to his family? Raising a family is Islamic work. Maintaining the spirit of love and peace at home is very rigorous, nafs-reducing, intensive Islamic training.
Is this petty volunteerism going to earn you any benefits from Allah if you are forsaking the people who need you the most? You need to include your wives and children in your Islamic work and do things with them at home or in your neighbourhood. Children learn by imitation, so they need to see their fathers in action.
When men use the masjid to try to avoid marital conflicts and the strains of child discipline, they avoid having to develop the patience, compassion and selfless attitude that children and wives demand. This is a grievous setback to their spiritual maturity.
Regular meetings are mandatory for Muslims to stay connected with their community. But all Islamic organisations should adopt a "Family First" policy if they are serious about being vehicles of Islam. Lectures and conferences can only give people theoretical knowledge. You may fully understand the status of women in Islam, or the duties of wives, for example, but your trial is to see if you can behave in this manner at home. Each trial that your family presents to you is a means for inner purification, and serves as the practical training and test of your faith.
Denying companionship to your wife and children is not the meaning of Ibrahim's sacrifice. At no time did Ibrahim give up or sacrifice his relationship with his sons or his wives in order to follow Allah. Nor did he leave his sons' religious education and moral upbringing to their mothers while he went off to make dawah. His sons were a priority in their father's life, and they had a close relationship. When Ibrahim was ready and willing to sacrifice his first-born son to Allah, it was not because Ismail was a victim of paternal coldness or neglect. Rather, he was the recipient of prophetic understanding. It was as a result of the strength of this father-son bond, that father and son were united in full submission to the command of Allah.
Balancing Family and Islamic Work
By Maria Hussain
On Eid-ul-Adha, Muslims commemorate the Prophet Ibrahim's willingness to sacrifice his first-born son at the command of Allah, and how Allah spared his son and made him a Prophet. When Ibrahim told his son that he had had a vision that Allah wanted him as a sacrifice, Ismail agreed to it without hesitation, as the Qur'an narrates:
Then, when the son reached the age of serious work with him, He said: "O my son! I see in vision that I offer thee in sacrifice: Now see what is thy view!" The son said: "O my father! Do as thou art commanded: Thou will find me, if Allah so wills one practising Patience and Constancy!" So when they had both submitted their wills to Allah, and he had laid him prostrate on his forehead for sacrifice, We called out to him, "O Abraham! Thou hast already fulfilled the vision!" - thus indeed do We reward those who do right. For this was obviously a trial - And We ransomed him with a momentous sacrifice. (37:102-107)
What is most remarkable about this story is how Ismail had complete trust in the wisdom of his father's vision. How many of our children would react this way if we said to them, "God told me to sacrifice you"? Probably they would say, "Are you crazy?" They might accept the idea of martyrdom for the sake of Allah but they would not have the complete trust in his father's relationship with Allah as Ismail had, which enabled him to believe in his father's vision, and in his father's interpretation of that vision.
There is a big difference between this and mere blind faith. In blind faith, one believes without knowing why one believes. However, the level of faith displayed by these two Prophets shows complete certainty in Allah's plan and absolute clarity of communication between God and servant. The sharing of this faith together resulted in an unbreakable bond of unquestioning loyalty between father and son based on the son's firm knowledge and security in the goodness and purity of his father's motives.
This deep trust could only be a result of close companionship. Ibrahim had taught Ismail all that he knew of Islam, and trained him in the religion. Together, they had built the great altar to Allah.
And yet, all their love was for the sake of Allah. The father had no attachments to his future plans for his son. Nor did the son have any goal other than to obey his father, the Prophet Ibrahim, and to willingly give up everything for the sake of Allah.
Being Worthy of Our Family's Trust
As parents, we have to keep striving to be worthy of our family's trust by keeping our households focused on serving Allah alone. How many parents are actually raising their children as sacrifices to Allah? Like Maryam, have we pledged our unborn babies to the service of the Lord?
On the contrary, how many Muslim families push their children harder financially and materially? Many parents try to destroy a child's will, forcing him to live out their dreams. We usually want our sons and daughters to attend a good college and to marry the very best in status. But how many of us would celebrate when our sons and daughters told us they are getting ready to travel throughout the world as Allah has commanded? How many of us are going to buy our sons and daughters a one-way ticket when they tell us Allah has called them to make Jihad? How many of us would stand in their way? Could we sacrifice our children for Allah? Do we have anything close to the level of trust between the Prophets Ibrahim and Ismail? Have we fully applied ourselves to passing on to our children the undying love for Allah?
Or have our children already been sacrificed to our busy schedules? We are very attached to our expectations of our children, but we forget that they have claims on us too. According to the prophetic tradition, all the time a man spends with his family is worship. Do we sacrifice our time in order to contribute to our families' Islamic growth? Do we consider our families an important aspect of our Islamic work? Do we do Islamic work as a family? Or do we actually abandon them in our religious zeal?
Families Need a Father's Love
Sadly, many deeply sincere Muslim families are being sacrificed to their fathers' misguided notion that it is manly to abandon family life for the sake of being active in the Muslim community. Rather than viewing their fatherhood and marriage as a service for Allah and a means for purification of self, these men hold back from loving their families too much for fear that this will keep them from loving Allah. They emotionally distance themselves from their wives and children as if they were obstacles on the Path.
This type of father habitually gulps down his dinner and is out the door for the rest of the night. He spends long hours away from his family serving on masjid committees, counselling strangers with their problems, organising fund-raising events, and attending endless meetings. When he is home, he talks on the phone for hours, sits in front of the email, and then collapses, exhausted into bed.
His wife may feel that it is her duty to willingly do without marital companionship in order to free her husband to do the "more important" work of Allah. But if the woman cares at all about her husband, she will eventually feel betrayed and rejected. If years go by and she becomes used to living without him, such that she no longer needs or wants him, then he has lost her, and probably his children also. In today's world, it is not enough for the father to bring home the money and then feel he has done his job.
Sons and daughters need their fathers to spend time with them. Sons who are deprived of their father's companionship and affection are more likely to become delinquent or deviant in their teens.
Daughters who fail to receive their father's attention and praise are more vulnerable to sexual predators as they unconsciously search for a loving father replacement. A desperate need for love and validation has led many teens to forbidden and self-destructive behaviours, while kids who do sports and have fun with their dads tend to have fewer social problems such as smoking or drinking, and they are more likely to have a stable and fulfilling marriage relationship in later years.
Wives who fail to receive regular doses of loving attention from their husbands will lack the self-esteem to effectively train an Islamic family. The wife's depression and nervous anxiety from her husband's prolonged absences can affect her unborn fetus. If she is struggling with her own feelings of abandonment and rejection, how can she be everything for her children? But when a woman feels cherished by her husband and respected, she receives a tremendous boost of energy and there is nothing she would not do for him.
A strong marriage is essential to good health, longevity and a joyous and meaningful existence. The Prophet said,
"When a man approaches his wife, he is guarded by two angels and [at that moment in Allah's view] he is like a warrior fighting for the cause of Allah."
Imam Jafar is noted as saying, "Whenever a person's love for women increases, his faith increases in quality."
Raising a Family is Islamic Work
With this in mind, we must acknowledge that it is not appropriate to view our Muslim families as impediments to our lofty spiritual ambitions, but rather, they are a trial of our actual, personal application of Islam. Allah has commanded Muslims to pray regularly in jummah, and yet, also to maintain loving relationships with our families.
A masjid turned into an all-night-men's-club has a destructive influence on the family and community. Is there some sort of competition between a Muslim brother's dedication to the Islamic organisation and his dedication to his family? Raising a family is Islamic work. Maintaining the spirit of love and peace at home is very rigorous, nafs-reducing, intensive Islamic training.
Is this petty volunteerism going to earn you any benefits from Allah if you are forsaking the people who need you the most? You need to include your wives and children in your Islamic work and do things with them at home or in your neighbourhood. Children learn by imitation, so they need to see their fathers in action.
When men use the masjid to try to avoid marital conflicts and the strains of child discipline, they avoid having to develop the patience, compassion and selfless attitude that children and wives demand. This is a grievous setback to their spiritual maturity.
Regular meetings are mandatory for Muslims to stay connected with their community. But all Islamic organisations should adopt a "Family First" policy if they are serious about being vehicles of Islam. Lectures and conferences can only give people theoretical knowledge. You may fully understand the status of women in Islam, or the duties of wives, for example, but your trial is to see if you can behave in this manner at home. Each trial that your family presents to you is a means for inner purification, and serves as the practical training and test of your faith.
Denying companionship to your wife and children is not the meaning of Ibrahim's sacrifice. At no time did Ibrahim give up or sacrifice his relationship with his sons or his wives in order to follow Allah. Nor did he leave his sons' religious education and moral upbringing to their mothers while he went off to make dawah. His sons were a priority in their father's life, and they had a close relationship. When Ibrahim was ready and willing to sacrifice his first-born son to Allah, it was not because Ismail was a victim of paternal coldness or neglect. Rather, he was the recipient of prophetic understanding. It was as a result of the strength of this father-son bond, that father and son were united in full submission to the command of Allah.
The Woman's Role in Child Education
The Woman's Role in Child Education
By Mohammad Al Dweesh
Reprinted from Islamicedu.com
Table of Contents:
Prologue
The Important Role of Mothers in Child Education:
1. The Family Influence in Education.
2. The Child is Influenced by His Mother's Condition at Pregnancy.
3. A Mother's Role in Early Childhood.
4. A Mother's Role with Her Daughters.
5. A Mother Knows the Private Details in the Life of her Children.
Education Suggestions for Mothers:
1. Feeling the Importance of Education.
2. Having Discipline in the House.
3. Acquiring Additional Experience in Educatiion.
4. Catering for the Child's Needs.
5. Stressing the Harmony between Husband and Wife.
6. Dealing with the Mistakes of Children.
7. Suggested Methods of Behaviour Cultivation or Correction.
Prologue
Praise be to Allah: we praise Him, seek His help, ask for His forgiveness, and repent to Him. We seek His protection from our own evil and wrongdoing. A person who is well-guided by Allah cannot be misled by anyone, and whoever Allah leaves in error cannot be guided by anyone. I testify that there is no deity but Allah, alone, with no partner, and I testify that Muhammad is His worshipper and messenger.
This is not the time or place for a discussion of the importance of education and the role it plays in building and safeguarding societies. Everybody, regardless of his school of thought and educational philosophy, knows that education is a necessary and urgent requirement. All societies stress education, pay special attention to it, and make studies in it. If one looks at the shelves of libraries and bookstores, he finds more Western books on education than books published in Muslim societies, which shows that education is a concern and requisite for all, regardless of their educational approaches and priorities.
The Important Role of Mothers in Child Education
A mother has a significant, basic role in education. This is evident in the following points:
1- The Family Influence in Education
The family is the first tier in the process of social upbringing. It is the family that instills in the child the standards by which he judges everything that he later receives from all social institutions. When he goes to school, his attitude towards his teacher is formed on the basis of the education he has received at home. His selection of friends at school is also based on the way he was raised by his family. He evaluates everything he hears and sees and every situation he finds himself in or he witnesses through what his family has instilled in him. That is the role of the family in education, a very important and serious role.
2- The Child Is Influenced by His Mother's Condition at Pregnancy
The mother dominates a stage of the child's life all by herself, with nobody else sharing her role, and this stage, the pregnancy, has an influence on education which some people might not be aware of. An embryo in its mother's womb is influenced by several things.
One of these things is nourishment. The type of food an embryo receives from its mother affects it in various ways. It is also influenced by any illness or indisposition of the mother during pregnancy. If a mother takes drugs while she is pregnant, the embryo is affected, and if the mother is an addict, he might become an addict later in his life. The same thing is true of smoking, and this is why in Western societies, a smoking woman is advised to quit or cut down on smoking during pregnancy, to spare the embryo the effect of nicotine. Other things that have an effect on the embryo are medications, which is the reason why a doctor asks a woman whether she is pregnant or not when he wants to prescribe a medicine for her.
Another influence, which the two parents may not realize, is the emotional condition of the mother. A baby might scream a lot in early childhood, or he might easily get scared, and in both cases, this may be due to the impact of his mother's emotional condition during pregnancy. When the mother gets too emotional, the hormones which she produces and which the child receives are affected. If such an emotional state goes on for a long time, the effect extends to the embryo's psychological, emotional, and physical constitution. That is why a husband should do his best to make the atmosphere favorable at home, and a mother should do her best to avoid anything that would excite her.
The attitude of the mother towards her pregnancy and her embryo is another important factor. When she is happy and cheerful at being pregnant, her mood will certainly have an effect on the embryo, the same way as when she is unhappy about her pregnancy. This is why Allah, the Most Glorious and Sublime, directs people to correct their attitudes towards male and female children. He says:
To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan); Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He will: for He is full of Knowledge and Power. (Surah 42: 49-50).
He, the Most Glorious and Sublime, has His Will and His Judgment, and what He chooses has always a justification and a rationale. So a wife and her husband should always feel satisfied with what Allah gives them and should know that it is for their own good. They should be content whether a boy or a girl is born to them. If a woman loses this feeling of satisfaction, as when medical examination shows the sex of the embryo in her womb and it turns out to be the opposite of what she wises for, her attitude and feeling will certainly affect the embryo. This is of course not a medical clinic and I am not giving medical advice to a pregnant mother and telling her about consequences of her attitude. What I aim at is to make the point that the role of a woman starts during pregnancy, and that at that stage, she is the only influence on the child.
3- A Mother's Role in Early Childhood
Early childhood is a very important stage in the raising of a child, and the role of the mother at that stage is greater than that of anybody else. While the baby is still nursing, she has the greatest contact with it. For a great purpose that Allah has willed, the only nourishment of the baby at this stage is by nursing from its mother. This does not only have a medical effect on the health of the child, but also has psychological effects, the most important of which is making the baby enjoy the tenderness and closeness that it needs. Doctors always advise mothers to nurse their babies themselves, and if for one reason or another a mother does not, she is advised to take care of it and keep it close to her all the time.
One can therefore realize how serious a mistake a mother makes when she leaves her baby at this stage to a governess or a maid who takes complete charge of it: cleaning it, taking care of its clothes, preparing its food, and when the baby takes artificial milk, preparing the bottles for it. In such a situation, a baby misses a lot of the psychological care it needs.
If a mother has the misfortune of having a maid - and it is always better to do without them - she, i.e. the mother, should take care of the baby herself in the early stages of its life. She can leave matters of cooking, house cleaning, and similar chores to the maid, because a baby will not receive as much tenderness and care from a maid as from its own mother. What the baby is exposed to at this stage has a great future psychological effect and influences the attitude of the baby in the future towards various things. This is particularly important, because many governesses and maids in the Islamic world are non-Muslim, and even Muslim ones are often non-religious. The effect of such a situation is not hard to guess and it would take long to discuss this subject in detail, so I will limit myself to this passing remark.
The point is that a mother deals with her baby in early childhood more than the father does. The baby acquires many habits and standards at this age and also learns some modes of behavior which will be hard to change in the future. This is what makes the mother's role so important; it is the gate of this precarious stage in the child's life. There are some people, for example, who are devout and upright, but because they have not been raised in their childhood to strict moral and behavioral standards, they are characterized with some roughness in manners and lack of discipline.
4- A Mother's Role with Her Daughters
If a mother is the closest person to children in general in their early childhoods, this closeness is greater and continues longer in the case of daughters. Probably some of the problems we have today with girls are due to the diminished educational role of mothers. A girl goes through adolescence, is exposed to temptations, and has to cope with her desires. The society she lives in encourages immorality, and the girl has an emotional vacuum, and might only find satisfaction and gratification in unholy environments. The mother meanwhile is too busy with her own affairs, or with her neighbors and friends. The girl lives in one world, her mother in another.
It is very necessary for the mother to live with her daughters and be close to them. A girl is more likely to be open with her mother than with her father. It is necessary for the mother to fill the emotional void her daughters suffer from.
The emotional void a girl feels is usually greater in a house with a maid. The maid takes care of the household chores, and the family decides that their daughter should apply herself to her studies, which take a lot of her time. But when school duties are over, the girl is left with a lot of leisure time. How does she spend it? Reading? We do not usually cultivate in our children the habit of reading.
As already mentioned, there is a great gap between mothers and daughters. A girl feels that her interests, her inclinations, and her way of thinking are not acceptable to her mother. She feels a cultural gap between her and her mother, and finds her satisfaction perhaps in a magazine that covers fashion and home-decoration, discusses love and emotions, and tells a woman how to win the admiration of others. Such topics arouse certain desires in the girl. Or perhaps she gets interested in video films, or in telephone conversations with young men. Even if none of these things are available to her, she may learn things from her mates at school.
5- A Mother Knows the Private Details in the Lives of Her Children
A mother takes care of the clothes of her children and the furniture of the house, as well as intimate details that concern her children. Thus she is more likely to discover problems that her children suffer from than their father, particularly in these days, in which a father is usually too busy for his children. The mother, therefore, is more aware of the affairs of her children than her husband.
All the above factors emphasize the role a mother has in education. A mother represents one half of the household, and a father can by no means meet the full responsibility of raising his children. Nor can the school alone have the full responsibility. The combined efforts of all concerned parties should work in harmony towards the same end.
In reality, however, the values upheld at school are sometimes undermined at home, and the values a child learns at home are contradicted by what he comes across in the street. The child has then to cope with contradicting standards. Our point, however, is that the household itself should work in harmony and as one, complementary unit.
But I cannot this evening fully cover, in the limited time I have, what role a mother is supposed to play in education. I can only offer a number of notes.
Educational Suggestions for Mothers
Whatever I say, I cannot in only one hour speak in any detail of a mother's role in education. Nor can I in one hour prepare a mother to be a good educator. Therefore, I think that the best I can do in relation to the second subject, preparing a mother for her educational role, is to offer some suggestions that I have outlined, in the hope of improving the role played by mothers. They include the following.
1- Feeling the Importance of Education
The starting point is for the mother to feel how serious and important education is, and how important the role she plays is. She should feel that the future of her sons and daughters is in large part her responsibility. But let me point out that when I speak about education I mean it in a very broad sense, rather than in the limited sense of orders, warnings, and punishment, which is how some people think of education.
Education is much more extensive in meaning. It means the upbringing of a child and the development of all aspects of his or her character: the devotional, physical, psychological, and mental. It is important for the child to have an integrated personality, and both parents should feel that they have an important role in achieving this.
When it comes to devotional education, again many people think of it as no more than a set of injunctions, prohibitions, and penalties. It is much more than that. There is a whole lot of difference between a parent who punishes his child for not praying and a parent who teaches his child to love to pray. There is a similar difference between a parent who punishes his child for using a vulgar or obscene word, and a parent who teaches his child to abhor such a language and to be refined in his speech. That is what I mean when I speak of proper education, and everybody, mothers in particular, should understand education in this broad sense.
2- Having Discipline in the House
An important aspect of education, which is a joint responsibility of both parents (although I want to stress the mother's role), is to make sure that there is discipline in the household, for that is one of way of making children accustomed to the desired kind of behavior.
We are disorganized people. We do not have much discipline in our appointments, life at home, and dealing with others. This kind of behavior has affected the way we think, so now we are even disorganized in our thinking.
We need to teach our children to be organized with their belongings and in their rooms, to have regular meal hours, to be disciplined when there are guests in the house. They should know who may sit with the guests and who may not, and how guests are to be received and greeted.
3- Acquiring Additional Experience in Education
When a mother is aware of the importance of education, one of the things she can do is to try to improve her educational experience. There are several ways of doing this, such as the following:
Reading - It is very helpful for the mother to read books on education. Part of her time should be devoted to acquiring and reading such books. It does not make much sense for a mother to be more concerned with cook books than education books.
Let us be frank and ask ourselves how much reading in education we actually do, and how much the proportion of that type of reading is when compared to our general reading. When we answer these questions truthfully, we can realize how important education is to us and to what extent we are educated in the field of education.
Taking Advantage of Family Gatherings - We do that when we discuss educational matters at such gatherings. A mother benefits from the views and experience of other mothers. The type of talk we usually have, when everybody complains about how naughty and troublesome children are, is idle and has no benefit. It is a kind of self-deception by which we try to convince ourselves that the problem lies with our children and not with us.
We should be frank with ourselves and admit our own mistakes. If our children do have problems, this is due to the way we raise them. They are raised by us and not by somebody else. The failure in their discipline is our failure, not theirs.
Learning from Experience - The thing that enhances educational experience best is learning from the situations one goes through and from one's mistakes. If a mother makes some mistakes with her first child, she should learn to avoid them with he second. If she makes new mistakes with the second, she avoids them with the third. Thus she feels that the more she deals with children, the more experienced and refined she gets.
4- Catering to the Child's Needs
A child has many needs, some of which can be mentioned here.
The Need for Direct Attention
A child needs to be the focus of the attention of those around him, particularly his parents. This is a need that the child has from infancy. He smiles and laughs, for example, just to draw attention, and he expects some feedback.
One form of direct attention is taking care of the child's food and drink needs. When the child wakes his mother up to give him something to eat or to drink, she should refrain from showing displeasure or being in a bad mood, not to mention rebuking the child and telling him he is misbehaving. What can help the mother is to get her child used to a particular schedule and to prepare food for him, breakfast in particular, before she sleeps.
One of the worst forms of neglecting the food and drink needs of children is what some women do when they fast; they close the doors of their rooms, sleep most of the day, and scold their children when they ask for something to eat or to drink.
Another form of good attention is to listen well to the child. He may want to tell a story or to ask questions, and he expects his parents to listen to him. The parents can give him some feedback by asking questions that show their interest in what he is saying. One useful approach is for the mother to rephrase what the child is trying to say when his language skills do not allow him to express himself very well.
The Need for Confidence
A child needs to feel self-confidence and also to feel that others trust him. This is clear in statements that a child makes, asserting that he is bigger or stronger than so and so.
We have to make the child feel confident of himself and of his ability to achieve many things. This can be done by asking the child to undertake certain simple chores that are within his ability. The child should get used to do such a sort of thing.
A child needs more to feel that he is trusted. One way to achieve this is to avoid mocking him and severely criticizing him when he makes a mistake. Another helpful thing is to know how to deal with situation in which the child fails to do what he is supposed to. Such situations should be exploited to reinforce the child's confidence that he can succeed, rather than used to discourage him and shatter his confidence.
Being Curious
A child is curious by nature and loves to investigate things. He may break a toy to find out what it has inside. He may ask many questions about the situations he goes through, sometimes to an extent that gets on the parents' nerves.
It is important for the mother to understand the basis of such types of behavior, so that she may not scold the child or even punish him.
It is also important to understand the child's need to develop his mental abilities. If a child asks why a car has license plates, for example, his father, instead of giving him a straight answer, can ask him in return, "If a driver hits a person with his car and runs away, how can the police identify the car?" If the child says, "By the car's number," the father can point out that this makes it necessary for each car to have a number of its own, different from the numbers of all other cars. He might then ask the child to tray and find two cars with the same number. The child, after studying the license numbers of several cars, will realize that what his father has told him is true.
The Need to Play
The need to play is one of the important needs of children, and they cannot do without it. In fact, when a child does not play much, that might mean that he has a problem or that he suffers maladjustment. In dealing with this particular need a mother should observe the following:
a) giving the child sufficient time to play without expressing intolerance or vexation;
b) investing this need to play to teach the child discipline and good manners, the way to deal with the toys and instruments of other children, the importance of avoiding any disturbance to people and guests in particular, and the fact that there are places in which he cannot play, such as masjids (mosques) and company offices;
c) teaching the child while he is playing, by getting him educational toys that develop his mental skills and teach him new things; and
d) making an effort to avoid things in which the child has no active role or that limit his physical movements, such as watching video films or playing computer games, since the child needs to move, and part of his time should be filled with games that require physical motion, such as ball games, bicycle riding, running, and so on.
The Need for Justice
Justice is something that all people need, but in the case of children, this need is felt more pressingly. That is why the Prophet, peace be upon him, ordered parents to be fair with their children, stressing the point. Husain Ibn 'Amer is quoted as saying:
I heard Al-Nu'man Ibn Basheer, may Allah bless both him and his father with his favor, say from the pulpit:
"My father gave me a gift, and 'Amra Bint Rawahah said, 'I will not accept this unless you get Allah's Messenger, peace be upon him, to be a witness thereof.'
"My father went to Allah's Messenger and said, 'I gave a son of mine and of 'Amra Bint Rawahah's a gift, but she asked me to get you, Allah's Messenger, to witness that.'
"The Prophet asked, 'Did you give all your children similar gifts?'
"My father said he did not.
"The Prophet said, 'Fear Allah and be fair with your children.'
"So my father came back and took back his gift."
(Unanimously cited)
Whatever reasons a mother has to prefer one of her children over another, that is not going to convince the other child. It is, therefore, very important for parents to check their special feelings towards one of their children and not allow these feelings to influence their relations with their other children.
One of the cases that call for attention is that of a new-born child, which becomes a problem for many mothers. Due to the importance of this problem, I hope I will be able to address it separately in the future.
Although a child has many needs, I will not go further in listing them. Parents have two obligations in regards to these needs. First, they should make an effort to satisfy them. Second, they should take advantage of them to teach the child the manners he needs and the behavior he should follow.
5- Stressing the Harmony between Husband and Wife:
It is hard for one person alone to undertake the upbringing and education of a child, and the roles of the father and mother complement each other. Things that should be observed in this regard are the following.
a) The relationship between the two parents should be a good one, because, as already mentioned, psychological stability is important for the children. A wife who is not fond of her husband should not allow that feeling to influence the care and attention she gives to her children.
b) The two parents should agree, as much as possible, on the educational methods they follow with their children.
c) Each of the two parents should nurture the children's trust of the other parent. The father should, for example, avoid criticizing or blaming his wife, not to mention mocking or rebuking her, in front of their children. Even if there are disagreements between her and her husband, the mother, likewise, should make the children trust their father and feel that he has their best interests in mind, and that even if he is very busy, he is engaged in important matters that are of interest to all Muslims or that serve the interests of his children.
One thing that should be carefully observed is that any differences in the attitudes and viewpoints of the parents should not affect the children, who must not feel that there are such differences. Our children are the most precious things we have and we should keep our discussions and differences away from them.
6- Dealing with the Mistakes of Children
Many of our educational mistakes are in the way we deal with the mistakes of our children. Points that should be observed in this regard include the following:
a) Do Not Be Too Idealistic
Often we are too idealistic with our children and expect from them what is beyond them, and then we blame them for what we regard as mistakes, although they are not really so. In early childhood, for example, a child does not have certain motor skills. If he carries a cup or a glass, it might fall from his hands and break. Instead of chiding and blaming him, a mother can say something like: "I am glad you have not hurt yourself. I know you did not mean the cup to fall down. It is wrong when one does something like this on purpose. Now, let us try to remove the broken glass so no one will get hurt." Such an approach defines clearly to him what is wrong and what is right, makes him accustomed to be responsible for what he does, and gives him the feeling that he is the focus of attention and that he is appreciated. It is really odd that we are ready to break the hearts of our children when they break a pot that might not be worth more than two riyals. Are children less valuable than pots?
b) Apply Proportionate Punishment
A mother might find it necessary to punish her child, and a punishment, when applied where it is needed, is an educational tool. Some mothers, however, apply punishment when they are in a state of great anger, which turns the punishment into an act of revenge. In fact, in many cases, this is how children feel when their parents spank them.
The hard feelings that the child will have when he receives such punishment will reflect on his relations with other people; the effect of that punishment will continue even till he is an old man. It is very hard to eradicate such feelings as result from disproportionate punishment.
c) Avoid Obscenities
When some parents get mad at their children and want to reprimand them, the parents use vulgar, or even obscene, language, or they employ rude expressions in criticizing the children. Such a behavior on the part of parents gets the children used to improper language. A rational person does not get so angry as to forget his manners in dealing with people, and particularly in dealing with his children.
c) Avoid Insults
It is very important in dealing with the mistakes of children to avoid insulting them, hurting their feelings, or telling them that they have failed, or that they are childish, disorganized, stupid, or something else of this sort. Insults contribute a lot to the loss of self-confidence and cultivate in the child bad manners and teach him bad language.
d) Avoid Embarrassing the Child
The same as we hate to be criticized openly, our children also hate to be criticized in front of other people. When a child makes a mistake in the presence of guests, it is wrong for her mother or father to reprimand and embarrass her in front of them or in front of other children.
7- Suggested Methods of Behavior Cultivation or Correction
Many parents believe that right behavior is cultivated through orders and warnings and through punishment and discipline. These represent only a small fraction of the collective methods of teaching children how to behave. In the short time that I have, I will mention some of the methods that can be useful to a mother in cultivating good behavior and correcting the bad behavior of her children. The following are not an exclusive list.
a) Ignoring
Often a child, to get his wishes met, resorts to undesirable modes of behavior like crying, screaming, embarrassing his mother in front of her guests, and so on. The best way to deal with this behavior is not severe punishment or anger, but rather ignoring the mode of behavior and declining to meet the wish of the child. The child should get accustomed to use proper and quiet ways to express his wishes. This method of ignoring the child eliminates many harmful habits he may get used to, or at least softens these habits.
b) Setting an Example
I do not believe I need to go through the importance and effect of setting an example in education; everybody knows these things. When a child is asked to tidy his room by a parent whose own room is untidy, or when he is forbidden to use obscene language and he hears such a language used by an angry parent, or when a mother forbids lying and then asks the child to tell a lie to his father;- in all these cases the deeds of the parents belie their words.
c) Rewards
A reward is effective in reinforcing satisfactory behavior. It does not have to be a material reward; it can take the form of praise, encouragement, and expression of satisfaction. One way of rewarding a child by his mother is to promise to ask his father to take the child for a ride or do something else that the child enjoys. Rewards, however, should be used moderately so that they do not turn into a price paid to the child in return for his good behavior.
d) Dialogue and Persuasion
An important factor in building up the personality of a child is to get him used to dialogue and persuasion. The parents should listen to what the child has to say, and in turn tell him their point of view and their desires in a justified and convincing manner. It is easier for the child to accept things when they are presented in such a manner, and this method helps to develop his personality and skills. This, however, requires moderation, for a child needs to learn to obey and to know that even if he is not convinced, he should listen to what his parents tell him to do.
e) Clear Rules
It is necessary for the mother to establish for her children rules that they understand and can observe, like getting them used to clean their rooms when they wake up, to refrain from annoying other people, and so on. In order for this approach to work, it has to be compatible with the children's age, and the rules have to be clear to them and easy to understand and follow.
f) Resolving Disputes in a Friendly Manner
Quarrels and disputes between siblings are sometimes very annoying to their parents. Things may get worse when the parents interfere. A mother should know that that is something which she cannot completely eliminate, but she can reduce the problem to a certain extent.
One way of doing that is to get the children used to resolve their differences amiably and designing for them some rules and incentives that encourage and help them to do so. The mother should stay out of minor disputes, for her interference cultivates in her children a weak personality and a habit of complaining and seeking the help of others.
g) Changing the Environment
This can be done in several ways, such as:
Enriching the Environment by providing an alternative for the child when he does something undesirable. So instead of letting him scribble on books, he can have a pad or a notebook to write on it whatever he wants. Instead of playing with pots and utensils, he can be given toy pots and toy utensils to play with.
Restricting the Environment by letting the child have his own things, like his own cup, his own room, or a particular place that nobody else can use or get into. Such things make him feel no need to tamper with what belongs to others.
It is wrong to count on locking certain places, such as the formal dining room or the home office, or else the child would be encouraged to play there whenever he has the chance, for what is forbidden has a special temptation. Sometimes a mother locks a room, which keeps the child out, but once he has the chance to get in, he will play with everything.
Preparing the Child When a Change Is to Be Made. A child may get exposed to certain changes in his life, and he should be prepared. For example, after sleeping in the same room with his parents, he may be moved to a room of his own or to one he shares with older siblings. It is hard for the child when such a change comes as a surprise. The mother may say something like, "You are old enough now to sleep in your own room (or with your older brothers)." The same thing is true when a mother wants her daughter to start helping with the housework.
h) Building Habits
Behavior and moral standards are acquired by getting the child used to them and developing them as habits, rather than by orders and warnings. To get the child used to them needs patience, and it has to be done gradually.
These are some brief ideas and suggestions aimed at improving the role a mother plays. She should not neglect to supplicate to ALlah and ask Him to make her children grow to be righteous men and women. Allah describes upright people as saying, "Allah give us in our spouses and offspring our heart's satisfaction, and make us examples for the pious." (Surah Al Furqan 25:74).
Allah has better knowledge. God's peace and blessings be on our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and all his kin and Companions.
By Mohammad Al Dweesh
Reprinted from Islamicedu.com
Table of Contents:
Prologue
The Important Role of Mothers in Child Education:
1. The Family Influence in Education.
2. The Child is Influenced by His Mother's Condition at Pregnancy.
3. A Mother's Role in Early Childhood.
4. A Mother's Role with Her Daughters.
5. A Mother Knows the Private Details in the Life of her Children.
Education Suggestions for Mothers:
1. Feeling the Importance of Education.
2. Having Discipline in the House.
3. Acquiring Additional Experience in Educatiion.
4. Catering for the Child's Needs.
5. Stressing the Harmony between Husband and Wife.
6. Dealing with the Mistakes of Children.
7. Suggested Methods of Behaviour Cultivation or Correction.
Prologue
Praise be to Allah: we praise Him, seek His help, ask for His forgiveness, and repent to Him. We seek His protection from our own evil and wrongdoing. A person who is well-guided by Allah cannot be misled by anyone, and whoever Allah leaves in error cannot be guided by anyone. I testify that there is no deity but Allah, alone, with no partner, and I testify that Muhammad is His worshipper and messenger.
This is not the time or place for a discussion of the importance of education and the role it plays in building and safeguarding societies. Everybody, regardless of his school of thought and educational philosophy, knows that education is a necessary and urgent requirement. All societies stress education, pay special attention to it, and make studies in it. If one looks at the shelves of libraries and bookstores, he finds more Western books on education than books published in Muslim societies, which shows that education is a concern and requisite for all, regardless of their educational approaches and priorities.
The Important Role of Mothers in Child Education
A mother has a significant, basic role in education. This is evident in the following points:
1- The Family Influence in Education
The family is the first tier in the process of social upbringing. It is the family that instills in the child the standards by which he judges everything that he later receives from all social institutions. When he goes to school, his attitude towards his teacher is formed on the basis of the education he has received at home. His selection of friends at school is also based on the way he was raised by his family. He evaluates everything he hears and sees and every situation he finds himself in or he witnesses through what his family has instilled in him. That is the role of the family in education, a very important and serious role.
2- The Child Is Influenced by His Mother's Condition at Pregnancy
The mother dominates a stage of the child's life all by herself, with nobody else sharing her role, and this stage, the pregnancy, has an influence on education which some people might not be aware of. An embryo in its mother's womb is influenced by several things.
One of these things is nourishment. The type of food an embryo receives from its mother affects it in various ways. It is also influenced by any illness or indisposition of the mother during pregnancy. If a mother takes drugs while she is pregnant, the embryo is affected, and if the mother is an addict, he might become an addict later in his life. The same thing is true of smoking, and this is why in Western societies, a smoking woman is advised to quit or cut down on smoking during pregnancy, to spare the embryo the effect of nicotine. Other things that have an effect on the embryo are medications, which is the reason why a doctor asks a woman whether she is pregnant or not when he wants to prescribe a medicine for her.
Another influence, which the two parents may not realize, is the emotional condition of the mother. A baby might scream a lot in early childhood, or he might easily get scared, and in both cases, this may be due to the impact of his mother's emotional condition during pregnancy. When the mother gets too emotional, the hormones which she produces and which the child receives are affected. If such an emotional state goes on for a long time, the effect extends to the embryo's psychological, emotional, and physical constitution. That is why a husband should do his best to make the atmosphere favorable at home, and a mother should do her best to avoid anything that would excite her.
The attitude of the mother towards her pregnancy and her embryo is another important factor. When she is happy and cheerful at being pregnant, her mood will certainly have an effect on the embryo, the same way as when she is unhappy about her pregnancy. This is why Allah, the Most Glorious and Sublime, directs people to correct their attitudes towards male and female children. He says:
To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan); Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He will: for He is full of Knowledge and Power. (Surah 42: 49-50).
He, the Most Glorious and Sublime, has His Will and His Judgment, and what He chooses has always a justification and a rationale. So a wife and her husband should always feel satisfied with what Allah gives them and should know that it is for their own good. They should be content whether a boy or a girl is born to them. If a woman loses this feeling of satisfaction, as when medical examination shows the sex of the embryo in her womb and it turns out to be the opposite of what she wises for, her attitude and feeling will certainly affect the embryo. This is of course not a medical clinic and I am not giving medical advice to a pregnant mother and telling her about consequences of her attitude. What I aim at is to make the point that the role of a woman starts during pregnancy, and that at that stage, she is the only influence on the child.
3- A Mother's Role in Early Childhood
Early childhood is a very important stage in the raising of a child, and the role of the mother at that stage is greater than that of anybody else. While the baby is still nursing, she has the greatest contact with it. For a great purpose that Allah has willed, the only nourishment of the baby at this stage is by nursing from its mother. This does not only have a medical effect on the health of the child, but also has psychological effects, the most important of which is making the baby enjoy the tenderness and closeness that it needs. Doctors always advise mothers to nurse their babies themselves, and if for one reason or another a mother does not, she is advised to take care of it and keep it close to her all the time.
One can therefore realize how serious a mistake a mother makes when she leaves her baby at this stage to a governess or a maid who takes complete charge of it: cleaning it, taking care of its clothes, preparing its food, and when the baby takes artificial milk, preparing the bottles for it. In such a situation, a baby misses a lot of the psychological care it needs.
If a mother has the misfortune of having a maid - and it is always better to do without them - she, i.e. the mother, should take care of the baby herself in the early stages of its life. She can leave matters of cooking, house cleaning, and similar chores to the maid, because a baby will not receive as much tenderness and care from a maid as from its own mother. What the baby is exposed to at this stage has a great future psychological effect and influences the attitude of the baby in the future towards various things. This is particularly important, because many governesses and maids in the Islamic world are non-Muslim, and even Muslim ones are often non-religious. The effect of such a situation is not hard to guess and it would take long to discuss this subject in detail, so I will limit myself to this passing remark.
The point is that a mother deals with her baby in early childhood more than the father does. The baby acquires many habits and standards at this age and also learns some modes of behavior which will be hard to change in the future. This is what makes the mother's role so important; it is the gate of this precarious stage in the child's life. There are some people, for example, who are devout and upright, but because they have not been raised in their childhood to strict moral and behavioral standards, they are characterized with some roughness in manners and lack of discipline.
4- A Mother's Role with Her Daughters
If a mother is the closest person to children in general in their early childhoods, this closeness is greater and continues longer in the case of daughters. Probably some of the problems we have today with girls are due to the diminished educational role of mothers. A girl goes through adolescence, is exposed to temptations, and has to cope with her desires. The society she lives in encourages immorality, and the girl has an emotional vacuum, and might only find satisfaction and gratification in unholy environments. The mother meanwhile is too busy with her own affairs, or with her neighbors and friends. The girl lives in one world, her mother in another.
It is very necessary for the mother to live with her daughters and be close to them. A girl is more likely to be open with her mother than with her father. It is necessary for the mother to fill the emotional void her daughters suffer from.
The emotional void a girl feels is usually greater in a house with a maid. The maid takes care of the household chores, and the family decides that their daughter should apply herself to her studies, which take a lot of her time. But when school duties are over, the girl is left with a lot of leisure time. How does she spend it? Reading? We do not usually cultivate in our children the habit of reading.
As already mentioned, there is a great gap between mothers and daughters. A girl feels that her interests, her inclinations, and her way of thinking are not acceptable to her mother. She feels a cultural gap between her and her mother, and finds her satisfaction perhaps in a magazine that covers fashion and home-decoration, discusses love and emotions, and tells a woman how to win the admiration of others. Such topics arouse certain desires in the girl. Or perhaps she gets interested in video films, or in telephone conversations with young men. Even if none of these things are available to her, she may learn things from her mates at school.
5- A Mother Knows the Private Details in the Lives of Her Children
A mother takes care of the clothes of her children and the furniture of the house, as well as intimate details that concern her children. Thus she is more likely to discover problems that her children suffer from than their father, particularly in these days, in which a father is usually too busy for his children. The mother, therefore, is more aware of the affairs of her children than her husband.
All the above factors emphasize the role a mother has in education. A mother represents one half of the household, and a father can by no means meet the full responsibility of raising his children. Nor can the school alone have the full responsibility. The combined efforts of all concerned parties should work in harmony towards the same end.
In reality, however, the values upheld at school are sometimes undermined at home, and the values a child learns at home are contradicted by what he comes across in the street. The child has then to cope with contradicting standards. Our point, however, is that the household itself should work in harmony and as one, complementary unit.
But I cannot this evening fully cover, in the limited time I have, what role a mother is supposed to play in education. I can only offer a number of notes.
Educational Suggestions for Mothers
Whatever I say, I cannot in only one hour speak in any detail of a mother's role in education. Nor can I in one hour prepare a mother to be a good educator. Therefore, I think that the best I can do in relation to the second subject, preparing a mother for her educational role, is to offer some suggestions that I have outlined, in the hope of improving the role played by mothers. They include the following.
1- Feeling the Importance of Education
The starting point is for the mother to feel how serious and important education is, and how important the role she plays is. She should feel that the future of her sons and daughters is in large part her responsibility. But let me point out that when I speak about education I mean it in a very broad sense, rather than in the limited sense of orders, warnings, and punishment, which is how some people think of education.
Education is much more extensive in meaning. It means the upbringing of a child and the development of all aspects of his or her character: the devotional, physical, psychological, and mental. It is important for the child to have an integrated personality, and both parents should feel that they have an important role in achieving this.
When it comes to devotional education, again many people think of it as no more than a set of injunctions, prohibitions, and penalties. It is much more than that. There is a whole lot of difference between a parent who punishes his child for not praying and a parent who teaches his child to love to pray. There is a similar difference between a parent who punishes his child for using a vulgar or obscene word, and a parent who teaches his child to abhor such a language and to be refined in his speech. That is what I mean when I speak of proper education, and everybody, mothers in particular, should understand education in this broad sense.
2- Having Discipline in the House
An important aspect of education, which is a joint responsibility of both parents (although I want to stress the mother's role), is to make sure that there is discipline in the household, for that is one of way of making children accustomed to the desired kind of behavior.
We are disorganized people. We do not have much discipline in our appointments, life at home, and dealing with others. This kind of behavior has affected the way we think, so now we are even disorganized in our thinking.
We need to teach our children to be organized with their belongings and in their rooms, to have regular meal hours, to be disciplined when there are guests in the house. They should know who may sit with the guests and who may not, and how guests are to be received and greeted.
3- Acquiring Additional Experience in Education
When a mother is aware of the importance of education, one of the things she can do is to try to improve her educational experience. There are several ways of doing this, such as the following:
Reading - It is very helpful for the mother to read books on education. Part of her time should be devoted to acquiring and reading such books. It does not make much sense for a mother to be more concerned with cook books than education books.
Let us be frank and ask ourselves how much reading in education we actually do, and how much the proportion of that type of reading is when compared to our general reading. When we answer these questions truthfully, we can realize how important education is to us and to what extent we are educated in the field of education.
Taking Advantage of Family Gatherings - We do that when we discuss educational matters at such gatherings. A mother benefits from the views and experience of other mothers. The type of talk we usually have, when everybody complains about how naughty and troublesome children are, is idle and has no benefit. It is a kind of self-deception by which we try to convince ourselves that the problem lies with our children and not with us.
We should be frank with ourselves and admit our own mistakes. If our children do have problems, this is due to the way we raise them. They are raised by us and not by somebody else. The failure in their discipline is our failure, not theirs.
Learning from Experience - The thing that enhances educational experience best is learning from the situations one goes through and from one's mistakes. If a mother makes some mistakes with her first child, she should learn to avoid them with he second. If she makes new mistakes with the second, she avoids them with the third. Thus she feels that the more she deals with children, the more experienced and refined she gets.
4- Catering to the Child's Needs
A child has many needs, some of which can be mentioned here.
The Need for Direct Attention
A child needs to be the focus of the attention of those around him, particularly his parents. This is a need that the child has from infancy. He smiles and laughs, for example, just to draw attention, and he expects some feedback.
One form of direct attention is taking care of the child's food and drink needs. When the child wakes his mother up to give him something to eat or to drink, she should refrain from showing displeasure or being in a bad mood, not to mention rebuking the child and telling him he is misbehaving. What can help the mother is to get her child used to a particular schedule and to prepare food for him, breakfast in particular, before she sleeps.
One of the worst forms of neglecting the food and drink needs of children is what some women do when they fast; they close the doors of their rooms, sleep most of the day, and scold their children when they ask for something to eat or to drink.
Another form of good attention is to listen well to the child. He may want to tell a story or to ask questions, and he expects his parents to listen to him. The parents can give him some feedback by asking questions that show their interest in what he is saying. One useful approach is for the mother to rephrase what the child is trying to say when his language skills do not allow him to express himself very well.
The Need for Confidence
A child needs to feel self-confidence and also to feel that others trust him. This is clear in statements that a child makes, asserting that he is bigger or stronger than so and so.
We have to make the child feel confident of himself and of his ability to achieve many things. This can be done by asking the child to undertake certain simple chores that are within his ability. The child should get used to do such a sort of thing.
A child needs more to feel that he is trusted. One way to achieve this is to avoid mocking him and severely criticizing him when he makes a mistake. Another helpful thing is to know how to deal with situation in which the child fails to do what he is supposed to. Such situations should be exploited to reinforce the child's confidence that he can succeed, rather than used to discourage him and shatter his confidence.
Being Curious
A child is curious by nature and loves to investigate things. He may break a toy to find out what it has inside. He may ask many questions about the situations he goes through, sometimes to an extent that gets on the parents' nerves.
It is important for the mother to understand the basis of such types of behavior, so that she may not scold the child or even punish him.
It is also important to understand the child's need to develop his mental abilities. If a child asks why a car has license plates, for example, his father, instead of giving him a straight answer, can ask him in return, "If a driver hits a person with his car and runs away, how can the police identify the car?" If the child says, "By the car's number," the father can point out that this makes it necessary for each car to have a number of its own, different from the numbers of all other cars. He might then ask the child to tray and find two cars with the same number. The child, after studying the license numbers of several cars, will realize that what his father has told him is true.
The Need to Play
The need to play is one of the important needs of children, and they cannot do without it. In fact, when a child does not play much, that might mean that he has a problem or that he suffers maladjustment. In dealing with this particular need a mother should observe the following:
a) giving the child sufficient time to play without expressing intolerance or vexation;
b) investing this need to play to teach the child discipline and good manners, the way to deal with the toys and instruments of other children, the importance of avoiding any disturbance to people and guests in particular, and the fact that there are places in which he cannot play, such as masjids (mosques) and company offices;
c) teaching the child while he is playing, by getting him educational toys that develop his mental skills and teach him new things; and
d) making an effort to avoid things in which the child has no active role or that limit his physical movements, such as watching video films or playing computer games, since the child needs to move, and part of his time should be filled with games that require physical motion, such as ball games, bicycle riding, running, and so on.
The Need for Justice
Justice is something that all people need, but in the case of children, this need is felt more pressingly. That is why the Prophet, peace be upon him, ordered parents to be fair with their children, stressing the point. Husain Ibn 'Amer is quoted as saying:
I heard Al-Nu'man Ibn Basheer, may Allah bless both him and his father with his favor, say from the pulpit:
"My father gave me a gift, and 'Amra Bint Rawahah said, 'I will not accept this unless you get Allah's Messenger, peace be upon him, to be a witness thereof.'
"My father went to Allah's Messenger and said, 'I gave a son of mine and of 'Amra Bint Rawahah's a gift, but she asked me to get you, Allah's Messenger, to witness that.'
"The Prophet asked, 'Did you give all your children similar gifts?'
"My father said he did not.
"The Prophet said, 'Fear Allah and be fair with your children.'
"So my father came back and took back his gift."
(Unanimously cited)
Whatever reasons a mother has to prefer one of her children over another, that is not going to convince the other child. It is, therefore, very important for parents to check their special feelings towards one of their children and not allow these feelings to influence their relations with their other children.
One of the cases that call for attention is that of a new-born child, which becomes a problem for many mothers. Due to the importance of this problem, I hope I will be able to address it separately in the future.
Although a child has many needs, I will not go further in listing them. Parents have two obligations in regards to these needs. First, they should make an effort to satisfy them. Second, they should take advantage of them to teach the child the manners he needs and the behavior he should follow.
5- Stressing the Harmony between Husband and Wife:
It is hard for one person alone to undertake the upbringing and education of a child, and the roles of the father and mother complement each other. Things that should be observed in this regard are the following.
a) The relationship between the two parents should be a good one, because, as already mentioned, psychological stability is important for the children. A wife who is not fond of her husband should not allow that feeling to influence the care and attention she gives to her children.
b) The two parents should agree, as much as possible, on the educational methods they follow with their children.
c) Each of the two parents should nurture the children's trust of the other parent. The father should, for example, avoid criticizing or blaming his wife, not to mention mocking or rebuking her, in front of their children. Even if there are disagreements between her and her husband, the mother, likewise, should make the children trust their father and feel that he has their best interests in mind, and that even if he is very busy, he is engaged in important matters that are of interest to all Muslims or that serve the interests of his children.
One thing that should be carefully observed is that any differences in the attitudes and viewpoints of the parents should not affect the children, who must not feel that there are such differences. Our children are the most precious things we have and we should keep our discussions and differences away from them.
6- Dealing with the Mistakes of Children
Many of our educational mistakes are in the way we deal with the mistakes of our children. Points that should be observed in this regard include the following:
a) Do Not Be Too Idealistic
Often we are too idealistic with our children and expect from them what is beyond them, and then we blame them for what we regard as mistakes, although they are not really so. In early childhood, for example, a child does not have certain motor skills. If he carries a cup or a glass, it might fall from his hands and break. Instead of chiding and blaming him, a mother can say something like: "I am glad you have not hurt yourself. I know you did not mean the cup to fall down. It is wrong when one does something like this on purpose. Now, let us try to remove the broken glass so no one will get hurt." Such an approach defines clearly to him what is wrong and what is right, makes him accustomed to be responsible for what he does, and gives him the feeling that he is the focus of attention and that he is appreciated. It is really odd that we are ready to break the hearts of our children when they break a pot that might not be worth more than two riyals. Are children less valuable than pots?
b) Apply Proportionate Punishment
A mother might find it necessary to punish her child, and a punishment, when applied where it is needed, is an educational tool. Some mothers, however, apply punishment when they are in a state of great anger, which turns the punishment into an act of revenge. In fact, in many cases, this is how children feel when their parents spank them.
The hard feelings that the child will have when he receives such punishment will reflect on his relations with other people; the effect of that punishment will continue even till he is an old man. It is very hard to eradicate such feelings as result from disproportionate punishment.
c) Avoid Obscenities
When some parents get mad at their children and want to reprimand them, the parents use vulgar, or even obscene, language, or they employ rude expressions in criticizing the children. Such a behavior on the part of parents gets the children used to improper language. A rational person does not get so angry as to forget his manners in dealing with people, and particularly in dealing with his children.
c) Avoid Insults
It is very important in dealing with the mistakes of children to avoid insulting them, hurting their feelings, or telling them that they have failed, or that they are childish, disorganized, stupid, or something else of this sort. Insults contribute a lot to the loss of self-confidence and cultivate in the child bad manners and teach him bad language.
d) Avoid Embarrassing the Child
The same as we hate to be criticized openly, our children also hate to be criticized in front of other people. When a child makes a mistake in the presence of guests, it is wrong for her mother or father to reprimand and embarrass her in front of them or in front of other children.
7- Suggested Methods of Behavior Cultivation or Correction
Many parents believe that right behavior is cultivated through orders and warnings and through punishment and discipline. These represent only a small fraction of the collective methods of teaching children how to behave. In the short time that I have, I will mention some of the methods that can be useful to a mother in cultivating good behavior and correcting the bad behavior of her children. The following are not an exclusive list.
a) Ignoring
Often a child, to get his wishes met, resorts to undesirable modes of behavior like crying, screaming, embarrassing his mother in front of her guests, and so on. The best way to deal with this behavior is not severe punishment or anger, but rather ignoring the mode of behavior and declining to meet the wish of the child. The child should get accustomed to use proper and quiet ways to express his wishes. This method of ignoring the child eliminates many harmful habits he may get used to, or at least softens these habits.
b) Setting an Example
I do not believe I need to go through the importance and effect of setting an example in education; everybody knows these things. When a child is asked to tidy his room by a parent whose own room is untidy, or when he is forbidden to use obscene language and he hears such a language used by an angry parent, or when a mother forbids lying and then asks the child to tell a lie to his father;- in all these cases the deeds of the parents belie their words.
c) Rewards
A reward is effective in reinforcing satisfactory behavior. It does not have to be a material reward; it can take the form of praise, encouragement, and expression of satisfaction. One way of rewarding a child by his mother is to promise to ask his father to take the child for a ride or do something else that the child enjoys. Rewards, however, should be used moderately so that they do not turn into a price paid to the child in return for his good behavior.
d) Dialogue and Persuasion
An important factor in building up the personality of a child is to get him used to dialogue and persuasion. The parents should listen to what the child has to say, and in turn tell him their point of view and their desires in a justified and convincing manner. It is easier for the child to accept things when they are presented in such a manner, and this method helps to develop his personality and skills. This, however, requires moderation, for a child needs to learn to obey and to know that even if he is not convinced, he should listen to what his parents tell him to do.
e) Clear Rules
It is necessary for the mother to establish for her children rules that they understand and can observe, like getting them used to clean their rooms when they wake up, to refrain from annoying other people, and so on. In order for this approach to work, it has to be compatible with the children's age, and the rules have to be clear to them and easy to understand and follow.
f) Resolving Disputes in a Friendly Manner
Quarrels and disputes between siblings are sometimes very annoying to their parents. Things may get worse when the parents interfere. A mother should know that that is something which she cannot completely eliminate, but she can reduce the problem to a certain extent.
One way of doing that is to get the children used to resolve their differences amiably and designing for them some rules and incentives that encourage and help them to do so. The mother should stay out of minor disputes, for her interference cultivates in her children a weak personality and a habit of complaining and seeking the help of others.
g) Changing the Environment
This can be done in several ways, such as:
Enriching the Environment by providing an alternative for the child when he does something undesirable. So instead of letting him scribble on books, he can have a pad or a notebook to write on it whatever he wants. Instead of playing with pots and utensils, he can be given toy pots and toy utensils to play with.
Restricting the Environment by letting the child have his own things, like his own cup, his own room, or a particular place that nobody else can use or get into. Such things make him feel no need to tamper with what belongs to others.
It is wrong to count on locking certain places, such as the formal dining room or the home office, or else the child would be encouraged to play there whenever he has the chance, for what is forbidden has a special temptation. Sometimes a mother locks a room, which keeps the child out, but once he has the chance to get in, he will play with everything.
Preparing the Child When a Change Is to Be Made. A child may get exposed to certain changes in his life, and he should be prepared. For example, after sleeping in the same room with his parents, he may be moved to a room of his own or to one he shares with older siblings. It is hard for the child when such a change comes as a surprise. The mother may say something like, "You are old enough now to sleep in your own room (or with your older brothers)." The same thing is true when a mother wants her daughter to start helping with the housework.
h) Building Habits
Behavior and moral standards are acquired by getting the child used to them and developing them as habits, rather than by orders and warnings. To get the child used to them needs patience, and it has to be done gradually.
These are some brief ideas and suggestions aimed at improving the role a mother plays. She should not neglect to supplicate to ALlah and ask Him to make her children grow to be righteous men and women. Allah describes upright people as saying, "Allah give us in our spouses and offspring our heart's satisfaction, and make us examples for the pious." (Surah Al Furqan 25:74).
Allah has better knowledge. God's peace and blessings be on our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and all his kin and Companions.
22 Tips for Muslim Parents with Teens
22 Tips for Muslim Parents with Teens
Reprinted from Soundvision.com
What does it take for parents to get a teen to become a practicing Muslim?
Sound Vision has talked to parents, Imams, activists and Muslims who have grown up in the West to ask what are some practical things parents can do to help Muslim teens maintain their Deen. These are some of their suggestions:
Tip #1: Take parenting more seriously than you would a full-time job
This means both parents must understand their children are a trust from Allah, and He will ask how they were raised. If the children do not grow up practicing Islam because of their parents' negligence, it is not going to be pretty in this life or the next.
Tip #2:Reduce or change work hours and exchange them for time with the family
It is better to have one full-time job, fewer luxuries in the house (i.e. more cars, expensive clothes, a bigger, fancier home) and more time with the family, than many material things and absent parents. This goes for mothers AND fathers. Parents can't instill values in their children if they just aren't there, period. Quit that extra job on the weekends or in the evenings and instead drive the kids to the mosque for Halaqas and activities instead. Or consider switching shifts at work so that you're home when the kids are.
Tip #3: Read the Quran, understanding its meaning, for five minutes every day
Just five minutes. Whether it's in the car during a traffic jam, early morning after Fajr, or right before you go to bed, read the Quran with a translation and/or Tafseer. Then watch the snowball effect. You will, Insha Allah, reconnect with Allah, and in the long run, develop into a role model helping your whole family, not just your teen, reconnect with Him too.
Tip #4: Attend a weekly Halaqa
Trade playing cards or watching television on Sunday afternoons for a Halaqa. If you don't have something already in place during that time slot, help the Imam to set one up. Attend it vigilantly. The added bonus of this is that when children see their parents striving to learn about Islam, they will in many cases be encouraged to do the same.
Tip #5: Respect your teen
Respecting your teen means not treating them like inept babies, but like maturing adults, not talking down to them or humiliating and insulting them. It means involving them in useful activities around the home and seeking their opinions on matters of importance.
Tip #6: Take an interest in what they do
Does Noor play hockey in an all-girls' sports league? Attend Noor's games as regularly as possible. Does Ihsan collect stamps? See if you can find old letters from your parents in Malaysia or Lebanon and pass the stamps on them to her. Does Muhsin love building websites? Visit his site, post a congratulatory e-mail on the message board and offer some suggestions for the site. Give him a book on advanced web design as Eid gift.
Tip #7: Be aware of problems and address them straightforwardly
As you spend more time with your teen, you will be more able to sense if there is something bothering them. Don't brush this feeling under the carpet. Address it straight on. But don't do this in the family meeting or n in front of others. Do it during the next tip.
Tip #8: "Date" your teenager
While dating is commonly associated with boy-girl social meetings, the concept can be extended to any meeting between two people wanting to get to know each other better.
It's especially important to "date" your children on an individual level once they hit their teens because they are no longer just "one of the kids". They are young adults who need attention and guidance on an individual level. You can go out on a "date" when Sumayya graduates from high school (instead of going to the prom), when Ahmed gets his driver's license or if you feel there is something bothering them and you want to address them alone.
Tip #9: Don't just be your teen's parent, be his or her partner
Making them a partner means giving them responsibilities within the family. Get 16 year old Amir, who just got his driver's license, to help his mom with grocery shopping on Saturday's; get 15 year old Jasmine, who loves flowers, to be responsible for the garden and mowing the lawn. This way, teens will feel a part of the family, included and needed.
Tip #10: Build a Masjid in your home
Delegate a room, part of the basement or the living room as the home Masjid. You can do this for less than $25.
Make this Masjid entirely the responsibility of the kids. Get the eldest to be in charge and to delegate responsibilities for younger siblings. Responsibilities include keeping the Masjid clean, waking people up for Fajr, calling the Adhan, etc.
Tip #11: Don't practice "men's Islam"
That means don't exclude wives or daughters from prayers. When the men are praying in Jamaah, make sure the women are either behind them or also praying in congregation. Make sure the Imam recites the prayer loud enough for the women to hear if they are in another part of the house. Also, encourage women to pray in Jamaah if there are no men present.
Tip #12: Establish an Islamic library and choose a librarian
Equip your home with an Islamic library with books, video and audio cassettes about various aspects of Islam, catering to everyone's age and interests. If 13-year-old Bilal likes adventure novels, for example, make sure you have a couple of Islamic adventure books
Get one of your teens to be the librarian. S/he keeps materials organized and in good condition. Any requests for materials to be added to the collection have to go through him or her. Give this librarian a monthly budget for ordering new books, cassettes, etc.
Tip#13: Take them out.....to Islamic activities
Instead of a fancy dinner at a restaurant, save your money to take everyone out to the next Muslim community dinner or activity. Make a special effort to go to events where other Muslim teens will be present and the speaker caters his/her message to this crowd.
It's also important to regularly take Bilal and Humayra to Islamic camps and conferences where they will meet other Muslim kids their age on a larger scale.
Tip #14: Move to a predominantly Muslim neighborhood in your city
Ideally, this should be near the mosque. This step is necessary if you want to surround your kids with other Muslim children of more or less the same age on a daily basis.
Tip #15 : Help teens start their own youth group
After living in a Muslim neighborhood and attending Islamic activities regularly, teens in many cases will develop a friendship with other Muslims their age. Don't let this end here.
Help them establish a youth group, not just to learn about Islam, but to go to the amusement park together, go swimming, etc. Have meetings at members' houses on a weekly or bimonthly basis. Get this group involved in useful work like cleaning up litter around the Masjid or visiting senior citizens' homes.This group must have parental supervision, although teens' decision-making powers should not be interfered with unless really necessary.
Tip #16: Establish a TV-free evening and monitor TV watching in general
Parents' biggest competitor for their children's attention is the T.V. Sound Vision's unTV guide. Monitoring what everyone watches simply means taking care to remind and help everyone avoid shows which depict sex, violence and encourage unIslamic activities. Put up a list of acceptable and unacceptable shows on the wall beside the T.V.
Establishing TV-free evenings means having one evening of the week when no one, adult, teen or child is allowed to watch television. Hopefully, this is a first step towards general TV reduction in the home. This is an ideal time to have the next tip.
Tip #17: Have weekly family meetings
The purpose: to find out what is going on in everyone's lives and to consult the family on important issues. Hanan started attending a Halaqa, Imran just returned from a Muslim youth camp, Bilal aced the last algebra test. The point is not to just give this news in point form. It's to elicit discussion and communication between everyone, and to keep up-to-date about what is going on in everyone's life, which gets harder when kids become teenagers.
This is also the place to consult the family and decide on major issues affecting everyone: a move to another city; a marriage of one of the family members; difficulties with a bully in school, etc.
Please note: Shura in the family does not mean a majority vote determines what to do about a situation. While the parents remain in charge, teens and younger children voice opinions and suggestions parents will consider in making a final decision about a matter.
Tip #18: Have "Halal Fun night" once a month
"Fun is Haram" is a joke sometimes heard amongst Muslim youth, mocking the attitude of some Muslims for whom virtually anything enjoyable is automatically labeled Haram (forbidden).
Islamic entertainment is a much neglected area of Muslim concern. Islamic songs, skits, etc. are a viable tool for the transmission of Islam. Maybe 16-year-old Jameel knows how to play the Duff, while his sister Amira, 14, can write and sing well. Let them present their own Islamic song to the whole family. Or have 12-year-old Ridwan recite some of his best poetry. Make one of the teens in charge of this event. Help them establish a criteria of acceptable and unacceptable Halal entertainment.
Tip #19: Provide the right role models-What would Abu Bakr have done?
Apart from being a role model yourself by trying to practice Islam, make sure you provide teens with reading material about the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions (Sahaba), both the men and the women. Otherwise, the characters on the programs your kids watch on television may become their "Sahabas".
Discuss what a Companion may have done in a situation relevant to teens' lives. What would Abu Bakr Siddiq do if he saw a someone selling answers to the grade 11 math final exam? What would Aisha have done is she was confronted with the opportunity to cheat her parents?
Tip #20: Read books on Positive Parenting
These can be books written by Muslims, but even books by non-Muslims can help. However, just be ready and make sure you are able to identify what is Islamically acceptable versus what is not.
Tip #21: Get them married early
The societies of the West are permeated by sex: on TV, billboards, on the streets, buses, in movies, etc. A Muslim teenager facing this is in a tough position: succumb to the temptations or try really, really hard not to. Getting them married early (check out some tips for parents) will ease the pressure, and they don't have to stop their studies to do this. Remember, as a parent you will also be partly responsible if your son or daughter wanted to marry, you stopped them and they ended up having sex outside of marriage. You should also remember when undertaking this step not to force your son or daughter to marry someone they do not like.
Tip #22: Last but not least-Make Dua
Make Dua. It is really Allah who guides and misguides, but if you've done your job as a parent, Insha Allah, keeping your teen a practicing Muslim will be easier to do than if you had neglected this duty. As well, make Dua for your teen in front of them. This reminds them how much you love them and your concern for them.
Reprinted from Soundvision.com's parenting section
Reprinted from Soundvision.com
What does it take for parents to get a teen to become a practicing Muslim?
Sound Vision has talked to parents, Imams, activists and Muslims who have grown up in the West to ask what are some practical things parents can do to help Muslim teens maintain their Deen. These are some of their suggestions:
Tip #1: Take parenting more seriously than you would a full-time job
This means both parents must understand their children are a trust from Allah, and He will ask how they were raised. If the children do not grow up practicing Islam because of their parents' negligence, it is not going to be pretty in this life or the next.
Tip #2:Reduce or change work hours and exchange them for time with the family
It is better to have one full-time job, fewer luxuries in the house (i.e. more cars, expensive clothes, a bigger, fancier home) and more time with the family, than many material things and absent parents. This goes for mothers AND fathers. Parents can't instill values in their children if they just aren't there, period. Quit that extra job on the weekends or in the evenings and instead drive the kids to the mosque for Halaqas and activities instead. Or consider switching shifts at work so that you're home when the kids are.
Tip #3: Read the Quran, understanding its meaning, for five minutes every day
Just five minutes. Whether it's in the car during a traffic jam, early morning after Fajr, or right before you go to bed, read the Quran with a translation and/or Tafseer. Then watch the snowball effect. You will, Insha Allah, reconnect with Allah, and in the long run, develop into a role model helping your whole family, not just your teen, reconnect with Him too.
Tip #4: Attend a weekly Halaqa
Trade playing cards or watching television on Sunday afternoons for a Halaqa. If you don't have something already in place during that time slot, help the Imam to set one up. Attend it vigilantly. The added bonus of this is that when children see their parents striving to learn about Islam, they will in many cases be encouraged to do the same.
Tip #5: Respect your teen
Respecting your teen means not treating them like inept babies, but like maturing adults, not talking down to them or humiliating and insulting them. It means involving them in useful activities around the home and seeking their opinions on matters of importance.
Tip #6: Take an interest in what they do
Does Noor play hockey in an all-girls' sports league? Attend Noor's games as regularly as possible. Does Ihsan collect stamps? See if you can find old letters from your parents in Malaysia or Lebanon and pass the stamps on them to her. Does Muhsin love building websites? Visit his site, post a congratulatory e-mail on the message board and offer some suggestions for the site. Give him a book on advanced web design as Eid gift.
Tip #7: Be aware of problems and address them straightforwardly
As you spend more time with your teen, you will be more able to sense if there is something bothering them. Don't brush this feeling under the carpet. Address it straight on. But don't do this in the family meeting or n in front of others. Do it during the next tip.
Tip #8: "Date" your teenager
While dating is commonly associated with boy-girl social meetings, the concept can be extended to any meeting between two people wanting to get to know each other better.
It's especially important to "date" your children on an individual level once they hit their teens because they are no longer just "one of the kids". They are young adults who need attention and guidance on an individual level. You can go out on a "date" when Sumayya graduates from high school (instead of going to the prom), when Ahmed gets his driver's license or if you feel there is something bothering them and you want to address them alone.
Tip #9: Don't just be your teen's parent, be his or her partner
Making them a partner means giving them responsibilities within the family. Get 16 year old Amir, who just got his driver's license, to help his mom with grocery shopping on Saturday's; get 15 year old Jasmine, who loves flowers, to be responsible for the garden and mowing the lawn. This way, teens will feel a part of the family, included and needed.
Tip #10: Build a Masjid in your home
Delegate a room, part of the basement or the living room as the home Masjid. You can do this for less than $25.
Make this Masjid entirely the responsibility of the kids. Get the eldest to be in charge and to delegate responsibilities for younger siblings. Responsibilities include keeping the Masjid clean, waking people up for Fajr, calling the Adhan, etc.
Tip #11: Don't practice "men's Islam"
That means don't exclude wives or daughters from prayers. When the men are praying in Jamaah, make sure the women are either behind them or also praying in congregation. Make sure the Imam recites the prayer loud enough for the women to hear if they are in another part of the house. Also, encourage women to pray in Jamaah if there are no men present.
Tip #12: Establish an Islamic library and choose a librarian
Equip your home with an Islamic library with books, video and audio cassettes about various aspects of Islam, catering to everyone's age and interests. If 13-year-old Bilal likes adventure novels, for example, make sure you have a couple of Islamic adventure books
Get one of your teens to be the librarian. S/he keeps materials organized and in good condition. Any requests for materials to be added to the collection have to go through him or her. Give this librarian a monthly budget for ordering new books, cassettes, etc.
Tip#13: Take them out.....to Islamic activities
Instead of a fancy dinner at a restaurant, save your money to take everyone out to the next Muslim community dinner or activity. Make a special effort to go to events where other Muslim teens will be present and the speaker caters his/her message to this crowd.
It's also important to regularly take Bilal and Humayra to Islamic camps and conferences where they will meet other Muslim kids their age on a larger scale.
Tip #14: Move to a predominantly Muslim neighborhood in your city
Ideally, this should be near the mosque. This step is necessary if you want to surround your kids with other Muslim children of more or less the same age on a daily basis.
Tip #15 : Help teens start their own youth group
After living in a Muslim neighborhood and attending Islamic activities regularly, teens in many cases will develop a friendship with other Muslims their age. Don't let this end here.
Help them establish a youth group, not just to learn about Islam, but to go to the amusement park together, go swimming, etc. Have meetings at members' houses on a weekly or bimonthly basis. Get this group involved in useful work like cleaning up litter around the Masjid or visiting senior citizens' homes.This group must have parental supervision, although teens' decision-making powers should not be interfered with unless really necessary.
Tip #16: Establish a TV-free evening and monitor TV watching in general
Parents' biggest competitor for their children's attention is the T.V. Sound Vision's unTV guide. Monitoring what everyone watches simply means taking care to remind and help everyone avoid shows which depict sex, violence and encourage unIslamic activities. Put up a list of acceptable and unacceptable shows on the wall beside the T.V.
Establishing TV-free evenings means having one evening of the week when no one, adult, teen or child is allowed to watch television. Hopefully, this is a first step towards general TV reduction in the home. This is an ideal time to have the next tip.
Tip #17: Have weekly family meetings
The purpose: to find out what is going on in everyone's lives and to consult the family on important issues. Hanan started attending a Halaqa, Imran just returned from a Muslim youth camp, Bilal aced the last algebra test. The point is not to just give this news in point form. It's to elicit discussion and communication between everyone, and to keep up-to-date about what is going on in everyone's life, which gets harder when kids become teenagers.
This is also the place to consult the family and decide on major issues affecting everyone: a move to another city; a marriage of one of the family members; difficulties with a bully in school, etc.
Please note: Shura in the family does not mean a majority vote determines what to do about a situation. While the parents remain in charge, teens and younger children voice opinions and suggestions parents will consider in making a final decision about a matter.
Tip #18: Have "Halal Fun night" once a month
"Fun is Haram" is a joke sometimes heard amongst Muslim youth, mocking the attitude of some Muslims for whom virtually anything enjoyable is automatically labeled Haram (forbidden).
Islamic entertainment is a much neglected area of Muslim concern. Islamic songs, skits, etc. are a viable tool for the transmission of Islam. Maybe 16-year-old Jameel knows how to play the Duff, while his sister Amira, 14, can write and sing well. Let them present their own Islamic song to the whole family. Or have 12-year-old Ridwan recite some of his best poetry. Make one of the teens in charge of this event. Help them establish a criteria of acceptable and unacceptable Halal entertainment.
Tip #19: Provide the right role models-What would Abu Bakr have done?
Apart from being a role model yourself by trying to practice Islam, make sure you provide teens with reading material about the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions (Sahaba), both the men and the women. Otherwise, the characters on the programs your kids watch on television may become their "Sahabas".
Discuss what a Companion may have done in a situation relevant to teens' lives. What would Abu Bakr Siddiq do if he saw a someone selling answers to the grade 11 math final exam? What would Aisha have done is she was confronted with the opportunity to cheat her parents?
Tip #20: Read books on Positive Parenting
These can be books written by Muslims, but even books by non-Muslims can help. However, just be ready and make sure you are able to identify what is Islamically acceptable versus what is not.
Tip #21: Get them married early
The societies of the West are permeated by sex: on TV, billboards, on the streets, buses, in movies, etc. A Muslim teenager facing this is in a tough position: succumb to the temptations or try really, really hard not to. Getting them married early (check out some tips for parents) will ease the pressure, and they don't have to stop their studies to do this. Remember, as a parent you will also be partly responsible if your son or daughter wanted to marry, you stopped them and they ended up having sex outside of marriage. You should also remember when undertaking this step not to force your son or daughter to marry someone they do not like.
Tip #22: Last but not least-Make Dua
Make Dua. It is really Allah who guides and misguides, but if you've done your job as a parent, Insha Allah, keeping your teen a practicing Muslim will be easier to do than if you had neglected this duty. As well, make Dua for your teen in front of them. This reminds them how much you love them and your concern for them.
Reprinted from Soundvision.com's parenting section
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